Calleigh and Horatio: Hard love
by Anna1988
Summary: Calleigh and Horatio love each other. But Calleighs past and her father come back to haunt them often.
1. Trying to be happy

Oktober 1997

Calleigh is a very jung ballistic expert who is working for the CSI Miami. Before that she has studied and has worked as a cop aside from that. But on a case where she was the responding officer Horatio noticed her talent for weapons and had hired her right away. That was in April 1997. Now their relationship has changed. From a proffesional to a personal relationship. They were in love.

One evening after work they were sitting on the couch in the livingroom and Horatio noticed that something was bugging her, he was not sure what is really was, but he had a slight idea. Up until now the couple, who had been together since June and lived together since August had not had sex up until now. It was because of Calleigh´s fear that it had not happened yet and that he did not pressure her. He was not sure why she was afraid but he is sure that he will find out someday. Horatio could see that it was really hard for her to talk to him so he put his hand on top of her folded hands and squeezed them a little. "Honey talk to me." She just looked away. "Calleigh I love you. What is bugging you?" "Horatio when I was little my life was wonderful, but…." "But what honey?" "But when I got older the marriage of my parents became hostile and sometimes even violent." She took a few breaths and Horatio spoke. "Calleigh there is more isn´t it?" She nodded. "My father drank a lot and he was involved into a few accidents while driving under influence. He also was in the hospital a few times because he got hurt during the accidents and he once almost lost he life. I was about 13. I was about 14 when social services came to us the first time because my teachers noticed that I was not really concentrating in school and that I was permanently tired." "Why were you tired?" "Because my mother was so exhausted after getting my father to go to bed when he was drunk and she had already worked 8-10 hours a day. So I did the housework to help her out. I also helped her out with my younger brithers Simon born in 1977 and Patrick born in 1980." "I am sorry Calleigh." "It is Ok Horatio. When I was 18 I went to University and my mother died when I was 21. Simon died when I was 19 and Patrick died when I was 22, in March of this year. I really adored and admired her. She was my hero." She turned away so he would not see her face but he knew that she was crying and pulled her into a hug and laid her head against his chest. She rested her head for a minute but pulled away after and sat up strait again. She wiped away the tears and tried to compose herself again. She then spoke. "There is something else I wanted to talk to you about." "What is it?" "I am sorry that I have never slept with you until now. I just was not able to. I am sorry." "Calleigh I never pressured you and will never. It is your decision and we will live your way. When your ready not before." "Thank you. But the reason is that I was almost raped on campus. I am still a virgin. But it almost happened. I am just afraid Horatio." "Hey! It is ok. Just take it easy. Your speed. Not mine. He was determined to give her as much time as she needed.

Two days later they were in bed and she and he were involved and kissing and loving. When he was about to start his magic on her he locked eyes with her and looked for her consent. She nodded and gave it to him. After their lovemakeing she slept peacefully in his arms. The enxt morning he was already making breakfast in the kitchen when she entered. "Morning Horatio." "Morning sweetheart." He pulled her into a hug and kissed her temple. "Did I dissapoint you yesterday Horatio?" "Honey you did not dissapoint me. You were wonderful. Are you alright?" "Just a little sore." "It will pass. Give your body a few days to adjust to the change." "Yeah." After breakfast they drove to work and she walked straight to the ballistic lab. He walked into his office.

When he came to her lab for lunch he saw her when he approched it. He saw her on the phone looking at the door but she did not see him. She had tears in her eyes. She finished the call and put her pfone down. He walked into the lab and approached her. "Calleigh!" She swallowed and composed herself before she turned around. "Hey!" He saw the she had cried. "Calleigh why did you cry?" "Nothing really." "Calleigh what is it? I saw you talking on the phone when I came here." She just looked away. "Calleigh I love you talk to me." "It is my father." "What about him?" "He was in an accident. He was drunk. He is in the hospital." "Come on let´s go." She just nodded. And he lead her out of the building holding her hand. When they arrived at the hospital they talked to the doctor. "Your father has two broken arms, a broken foot, two broken legs, a concusion to the head and we had to take away one kidney. He is in a coma. We do not know when he will,wake up, if he wakes up. I am sorry" Horatio saw Calleigh´s impression and put an arm around her and pulled her into a hug. She started to cry and sob uncontrollable and he sat both of them down on a couple of chairs. After her tears have subsided her breathing evened out and looked up at him. Horatio could read her look and said. "He is going to be alright Calleigh. Do not worry." She just nodded. She had not really listened to him. She said. "I have to see him." They went into his room and left a few hours later. Horatio took Calleigh home right away. He took care of her and did everything he could to comfort her.


	2. Problems

The next week was really hard on Calleigh and Horatio had a hard job keeping her sane. She was a total mess and was not really able to concentrate. She loved her father and he was the only one left from her family. He walked down to the ballistic lab more often to check on her and to be there for her. When he walked into the lab Calleigh heard him comeing. "Horatio why are you here? It is not job related. Do you want to check on me again? Do you really think that I cannot take care of myself?" She was starting to get furious. "Calleigh I want to check on you. I am worried. I love you. I just want to make sure that you are alright." "I can take care of myself." "I know you can. I am just her for you to lean on. I am here for you." He hit a sensitive spot with his last sentence and made her crack. "I know. I am sorry. I just wish that he would be alright and would stop drinking. I need him Horatio." "I know you do. Everything is going to be alright. You will see. Everything is going to turn out right. I am here for you. We will get through this. Come here." He pulled her into a hug and she accepted it. "Thank you Horatio." "You are welcome."

After work that day they were sitting on their couch when Calleigh started the conversation. "Did you ever want kids?" "Yeah. I actually do. You?" "Well since I was little I always promised myself that I would be a better mother than my mother was. And from some point on I did not want kids. I am not quite sure if I do want kids from the momentarily perspective." "We will figure it out Calleigh." "I know."

Calleigh´s father was still in a coma and she and Horatio go to the hospital every day to visit him. It is important for Calleigh, because she is able to talk to her father. But the doctors are still not able to tell her when or if he will ever wake up. Calleigh has changed since her father was in the hospital. She has changed a lot and now she is a stern woman not a little funny like she used to be. But Horatio hoped that it would change again as soon as her father would be good again.

During the lunch break in a nearby coffee shop Horatio noticed once again that she was not the old Calleigh at all. "Calleigh how about we take the rest of the day of and just relax at home." "Horatio we have a case." "The other can handle it. You need a break. You need some time off Calleigh." "Horatio…" "Calleigh I am not takeing no for an answer. You definitely look exhausted." "I am exhausted. Alright let us go home. I am definitely up for a nap." While they were on their way home to their house in Coconut Grove Calleigh fell asleep in the car and Horatio carried her to the bed and covered her with a blanket. She continued to sleep. He knew that she needed her sleep since she was worrying about her father and had not slept well the last nights.

When she woke up a few hours later and came to the livingroom she found Horatio sitting on the couch reading the paper. "Horatio!" "Hey Cal! Are you feeling better?" "A little. I just want this to be over." She sat down on the couch next to him. "It will be eventually." "I hope so." "It will be." He pulled her into a hug and kissed her temple. She sighed and breathed into his chest. "Horatio!" "What is it sweetheart?" "I would like to go for a walk in Barnacle Park." "Are you sure you are up to it?" "Yeah. I just need to get out of here." "Sure." After returning Calleigh was a little exhausted and sat down on the couch and waited for Horatio to prepare dinner. After dinner they watched TV and went to bed early. Both hoping for a soon recovery of Calleigh´s dad.


	3. Pregnant

April 1998

Even after 6 months the condition of Calleigh´s father had not changed yet. She got thinner and thinner and was almost only skin and boney ba now. Horatio was really really worried by now. He almost could not bear seeing her like that. He knew that she was fragile. She looked so breakable. He really feared for her health. He did not know how to give her back the ability of being cheerful and happy again and how to give her back her strenth. He did everything he could and it helped during the first few weeks but it stopped showing effect the longer her father was in the coma and the more unrealistic it became for him to wake up again. He just hoped that she would have the strenth to endure everything that might happen. Good or bad. And that she knows that he would always be at her side.

Ater word that day Horatio was on his way to the breakroom looking for Calleigh, after he had not found her in her lab. When he came to the breakroom he could see her inside sitting at the table her head in her hands. He softly walked in and stopped infront of her. "Calleigh!" he said softly. She looked up at him slowly and he could see the hurt and pain in her eyes. She looked weak. "Calleigh you look exhausted. Why don´t we go home and get some rest." "I cannot go home." "Why not?" "I just cannot. I have to do something to stay busy.. "Honey…." "Horatio no! I am staying here. There is enough of work to do." "Calleigh I do not want to hurt you. I want to help you. How about we go home and see from there." She nodded and he led her out of the lab to his car. On the way home Calleigh was holding Horatio´s hand as if she was looking for someone to hold on to, someone to give her strength.

At their house he carried her to bed and went back to the livingroom after that. It was still early in the evening but he hoped that she would sleep until morning.

He wishes turned out to be wrong about five hours later when he heard Calleigh throwing herself back and forth in the bed.

When he came into the bedroom he rushed to her side. "Calleigh, honey wake up. It is just a bad dream." She seemed to relax a little when he said that and held her hand. After a little while she stirred a little and slowly wakes up. "Horatio you are here." "I am here honey. Calm down it is OK." She sits up a little against the headboard. "It was an awful dream." She looked down. "What happened?" Horatio asked carefully?" "I was at the hospital visiting my dad. He died while I was holding his hand. I called you and you died in a car accident on the way to the hospital. I was alone and had to bury my father and you Horatio." He could see the tears shimmering in her eyes and pulled her into a hug. "Sweetheart I am right here." He could not imagine how awful she must have felt while she dreamed seeing him dead and her father dead too.

She wrapped her arms around him and he pulled her close to him trying to assure her that she is not alone and that he is not dead. She seemed totally lost. "Horatio what do we do now?" "What do you mean?" "My father is in a come and needs to wake up on his own. They cannot do anything for him at the hospital anymore. They are going to release him next week." He pushed her back a little and looked into her eyes.

"Where do you want him to be?" "Close by." "How about we bring him here?" "That would be wonderful. Thank you." "You are more than welcome." She leaned up and kissed him passionately. When they broke the kiss she spoke up. "Horatio I need to talk to you." "What is it?" "About a month a go I went to my GYN/OB and she told me that I was 9 weeks pregnant. I am 13 weeks pregnant by now." "Why didn´t you tell me earlier?" "I did not know how. I wanted to make sure it would stay with my father and everything going on." "It is OK Calleigh. I am not mad. I am happy. It is your choice when you tell me about the baby." She looked up and gave him an appreciating smile. He knew how hard the last months have been on her. He could not be mad with her. "How about we go to bed." He said after a while. She just nodded.

The next morning Calleigh came into the kitchen and Horatio saw her worried look. "What is it?" "I do not want to tell the team that I am pregnant yet." " No one said that we have to tell them." She just smiled. He walked to her and pulled her into a hug. "You tell them when you are ready Ok?" "Yeah. Horatio?" "Yeah." "I fell like staying at home and visiting my father." He was surprised. The normal Calleigh would not take a day off from work. But nothing was normal right now.

At the lab Horatio told the team to respect Calleigh´s wish that they do not contact or visit them without calling before and that he will only work a few hours in the next weeks. The team agreed. Calleigh suddenly walked into his office and he joined her and they drove to the hospital. On the way to the hospital she told Horatio at a park where they stopped, that her great-grandfather Patric died this morning. After visiting her father they went home.

The next morning the doorbell rang and Calleigh answered it and saw the team standing in the door. "Horatio!" He came and Calleigh sat down on a couch without a word. "What do you want?" Horatio asked the team. "We want to be there for you. We want to help you." Eric said. "I asked you not to bother us and give Calleigh time. You would help us the most by respecting that." Calleigh walked back to Horatio when she saw the ambulance pull up the drive way. Her father was comeing home. Horatio saw it too and asked the team inside. Horatio had on arm around Calleighs back and the other hand was holding her hadn. It was hard for her to see her father like that.

Horatio brings Calleigh to bed for a nap. She was a little exhausted. "How is she?" "Guys you saw her. Please respect her wish that you do not come here without her authorization." "Ok." "Thank you." At that moment Ray and Yelina arrive. "Horatio how is she?" "She is in the bedroom waiting for both of you." They go upstairs and Horatio turns back to the team.

About half an hour later they come back down and sit down in the livingroom. Calleigh told them about the baby and has asked them not to tell anyone. They agreed not to tell anyone.

After the team left the men are in the livingroom and the ladies are in the room of Calleigh´s father. "Horatio how are you holding up?" "I am alright? Calleigh is worrying me. She is so thin now, fragile and she is pregnant. I want to get her through this Ray. The thing with her father is really hard on her. I do not knowif she will ever recover." "She will. Yelina and I are here for both of you." "I know Ray. Thank you."

Meanwhile in Kenwall Dquesne´s room. "Calleigh is there anything I can do to help you?" "You are doing it. You are the friend I need right now." "Ok." They hug each other. Calleigh starts to cry. "Hey it is alright. You are not alone. Ray and I are here for both of you." Yelina said trying to soothe her. "Thank you Yelina." They walk back into the livingroom. Calleigh walks up to Horatio and lays her head against his chest and wraps her arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around her too. She was looking for confort and strength.


	4. Praying

Mai 1998

Calleigh had a hard time being happy that she and Horatio would have a baby in fall and that they married last week. By now she went to church every day and prayed for her fathers health and recovery.

Horatio was getting more and more concerned. He was worried that she might not survive it, if her father would die or would never wake up again. She already played infront of the team so no one really knew how ill she was. And almost no one except Ray and Yelina knew about her pregnancy and the wedding. Horatio wanted to talk to Calleigh about telling at least Alexx about her pregnancy.

In the evening in the livingroom he talks to her. "Calleigh did you tell anyone about your pregnancy?"

"No. I did not even tell Alexx."

"Are you alright?" Calleigh had tears shimmering in her eyes.

"Yeah. I already thought about talking to Alexx. She would not tell anyone."

"No Calleigh she would not tell anyone."

The next morning Calleigh and Alexx are sitting in Alexx´s office and are talking. "Alexx there are two things Horatio and I do not want the team to know right now. One We married last week and two I am four and a half months pregnant."

"Calleigh that is both wonderful. I promise you that I will not tell anyone."

"Thank you."

In the evening Calleigh and Horatio are talking in the livingroom. "Alexx knows both things." Horatio just nodded and Calleigh laid her head against his chest and stiffled a yawn. "Do you want to go to bed sweetheart?" She shook her head and they remained in the livingroom. When she falls asleep Horatio carries her to bed.

The next morning Calleigh is a little rattled. "Honey are you alright?" "My father. Could you take me to the church?" "Sure." He knew that pressureing her to talk would only cause her to block even more. He drove her to the church. After that he talks to Alexx and asks her to talk to Calleigh. Alexx drives to the church and sits down next to Calleigh in a bench. But Calleigh moves and and leaves the church and sits down on the steps infront of the church.

"It is so hard. I would not know what I would do if Horatio would not be at my side. I do not think that I would be as strong as I am now. I probably would have hurt myself by now."

"No you would not have hurt yourself sweetheart."

"Horatio!" He helps Calleigh to her feet and pulls her into a hug. Alexx left the two and was already on her way back to the morgue. "Thank you Horatio."

"For what sweetheart?"

"For being here with me the whole time."

"You are welcome sweetheart."

She sighed and breathed aut. She leaned into him as much as she could. He knew what she was doing. She needed to feel his body and his strong arms around her just to assure herself that she is not alone and that he is with her.

In the evening while they were relaxing on the couch Horatio was glad that the team respected their wish not to be visited. That would put Calleigh under even more stress. After Calleigh fell asleep he carried her to bed and went back to the livingroom. He hoped that Calleigh would have a restful sleep. She really neede it.


	5. Babys appereance

September 1998

Horatio and Calleigh had been married in May.

Calleigh was still at the hospital after giving birth to her and Horatio´s first child yesterday. Alexx, Ray and Yelina were the only ones that knew. The rest of the team still did not know. The baby´s name is Patrick Gabriel Caine. Named after two of Calleigh´s great-grandfathers and after one of her brothers.

Two days later Horatio, Calleigh who was carrying Patrick, Ray and Yelina walked into the CSI. Horatio had called Eric earlier and asked him to call the team into hios office. They walked into his office. The team, except from Allex did not know. They were looking a little surprised when they entered the office and Calleigh carrying a baby. Horatio spoke up. "Guys Ray, Yelina and Alexx knew the whole time that Calleigh was expecting a baby and that is why we did not want you to come by. Calleigh needed time. Our son Patrick Gabriel was born three days ago." The team congratulated them even though they were a little upset because they had not known. But they were still happy for Horatio and Calleigh.

"You guys should have told us. We would have helped you." "We know that Eric but as you all know the circumstances are not the best at the moment. Calleigh and I needed the privacy and the time." The team nodded knowing what Calleigh was going through at the moment.


	6. At home

Oktober 1998

Calleigh and their son were home by now and Horatio had taken a few days off to be with Calleigh. She was still tired but she was also worried about her father. Horatio could see that Calleigh was totally not herself and he knew that she would not be that until her father would wake up again.

During the night he wanted to pull Calleigh closer to him but she was not there. He woke up and went to his sons room, he was sleeping. He then went to Kenwall Duquesne´s room and saw her sitting next to his bed holding her fathers hand. Her back was facing the door. She looked like she was crying. He slowly approached her and put a hand on her shoulder. She slowly turned her head and looked up at him. She looked strained, tired and sad.

"Calleigh do you want to stay here?" "I cannot leave him Horatio." She already started to cry again. He pulled another chair up to the bed and sat down next to her holding her hand and the other arm placed around her shoulders. "Calleigh we can stay here if you want to." "Thank you." "But I want you to get some sleep honey. You need it." She was crying and Horatio pulled her into him. She was totally lost and exhausted. But Horatio did not want to pull her away from her father.

After a while she was asleep in his arms and decided to carry her to bed. When Patrick started crying Calleigh realized where she was. When Horatio came back with their son he could see that she had realized it. "Sweetheart I carried you here when you fell asleep in your fathers room. You cannot sleep in a chair sweetheart." "Horatio I wanted to stay with my father." He handed her the baby and she started feeding him. He sat down on the bed and held her hand. "Sweetheart! I know that you wanted to stay with him but you have to think about yourself too. You gave birth ten days ago. You are still sore and exhausted. You need to give yourself a break." Now she had tears in her eyes and he reached up and cupped her face with one hand. She gratefully leaned into his touch. Slowly the tears rolled down her cheek and he moven closer to her and pulled her into him a little and kissed her temple, but careful not to disturb Patrick.

When she sat back a little he could see that she looked better then in the evening. "Honey I know that I am sore and I know that I gave birth ten days ago but I just needed to be with my father." "Calleigh sweetheart no one said that you cannot stay with your father but you did not have to get out of bed in the night without telling me that you were with your father. You could have woken me up and I would have come with you." "I did not want to wake you up." "Calleigh do not ever hesitate to wake me up if you need me. I love you and I will not let you go through this alone." "I love you too Horatio. Thank you." After Patrick was finished with eating and was sound asleep in his mothers arm she got up and brought him to bed. Horatio was right behind her.

After she had put Patrick down Horatio put an arm around her shoulder and led her back to the bed. He lay down with her in his arms and pulled her into him. He noticed that she seemed to relax a little. A few minutes later she was sound alseep and he was happy because he knew that she needed every minute of sleep that she could get.

The next morning Calleigh looked a little sad. Horatio could see that right away. "Sweetheart is everything alright?" "Yeah." He went over to the chair she was sitting in at the dining table and put a hand on her shoulder. "Sweetheart you look sad. It is about your father right? Because he cannot spend time with you and Patrik right?" She just nodded and looked up at him. "I mean it could still happen that dad might die. No one knows if that is going to happen. But it can. I mean no matter how bad of a father he was and how much of a problem he had with alcohol. He is still my father. I love him." "Calleigh I know that you love your father. No matter what will happen and how it will turn out with your father if good or bad we will take one step at a time. You are not alone." "Thank you Horatio. That means a lot. And it would be hard if I would have to do it alone. Other men would have left by now." "Relax sweetheart. I am not going anywhere. We are ion this together. In good and in bad times. OK?" "Thank you Horatio." "Sweetheart you are more then welcome." He kissed her temple and she leaned into his touch. She leaned against his chest. Horatio could fell that she was not well at all. He knew that she would have a hard time recovering if her father would die. But no matter what he would always stay at her side.


	7. Quality time

December 1998

Patrick was now two and a half months old and Calleigh had a routine with him and he only woke up twice a night. Her fathers condition was still the same and nobody knew what would happen someday and how Calleigh would be then. Horatio was worried but he made sure that she did not really notice it. He did not want to worry her even more. But it hurts him very much that his well beloved wife was in so much fear and pain about her father and what would come in the future. She even seemed to be a little depressiv and that really worried him a lot.

He saw her prepareing dinner in the kitchen when he cam home from work. He put away his jacket and his weapon. He then walked up to her and encircled her in his embrace. "Hey!" "Horatio!" She leaned into his embrace. She was glad to have him with her. "How was your day at work?" "Normal. How was your day sweetheart?" She just sighed. She turned around in his arms and rested her head against his chest. He pulled her even more into him. She was totally unrelaxed and seemed to relax in his embrace. "Calleigh how about you go sit down on the couch and relax while I prepare dinner?" "No. We will do it together." "Alright."

He noticed that she needed to stay occupied and that she needed to be near him. While they were preparing dinner he noticed that she was always staying close to him. Close enough to feel his presence and close enough for a touch. She did not seem to feel well being to far away from him. It seemed to give her some feeling of security that he was close by. He was aware of that and placed his hand on her arm or the small of her back a few times. Everytime he did that he could see how she relaxed under his touch.

"I do not like going to work all day knowing that you need be close by. But you know that you can call me whenever you need me." "I know. I will not lie and say that it is easy when you are not around but I can handle it. At least I am trying to handle it. But it is definitely not easy." He pulled her into him closer, they were sitting on the couch on after dinner. "Calleigh I know it is not easy but you are a strong woman. You are a strong person. But if you want me to stay with you for a few days I will. If that will make you be a little bit relaxed. I will do it Calleigh." "Horatio you need to work. But I would appreciate it if you would stay here with me."

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Eric´s number. "Delko!" "Eric it is Horatio. I will not come to work until Monday. Calleigh needs me. You are in charge." "I will take care of everything H." "Thank you." He closed his phone and turned back to Calleigh. "Thank you Horatio." "Anything for you sweetheart. And if me here makes you feel better then you deserve it."

The next few days went by with Horatio doing a lot of the work that needed to be done in the house and with Patrick. He took as much work from her shoulders as he could. He just wanted her to relax and have a few days rest which she reallly deserved. He did everything he could to pamper her and to give her back her strength.

When he had to go back to work on Monday Calleigh was everything else then amused. "Sweetheart I have to go to work. But I will call you as often as I can." "You have to go?" "I am sorry but I have to go back there. I need to see what is going on there." "Alright." "I promise you I will be back as soon as I can." "Thank you." He gently kissed her and got up from the diningroom table. He gave his son a kiss to and went to work.

When he arrived at the lab he ran into Eric. "Morning Eric." "Morning H. How is Callrigh doing?" "Better but not good. The past year was definitely not good for her." "I understand H. If there is anything." "Thank you Eric. She just needed some quality time with me and Patrick." "I see."

When he reached his office he called Calleigh." "Duquesne!" "Sweetheart it is me." "Horatio!" "Are you alright?" "Yeah. I am better then last week thanks to you and your vacation." "Calleigh you deserved it. You needed some rest and you got it." "Thank you again. When are you comeing home tonight." "I do not know yet. As soon as I can." "Alright." "Calleigh I have to go." After they had ended their conversation he put down the phone and hoped that she would be alright.

When he came home in the evening he found the dinner on the table and Calleigh sleeping on the couch. He knew immediately that this day had been really exhausting for her. He quietly covered her with a blanket but she noticed it because she grabbed his arm and pulled him down that he was kneeling infront of the couch. "Horatio when did you come home?" "A few minutes ago. Do you want to eat something?" She just nodded and he hlepd her up and lead her to the dining table. After dinner and after takeing care of Patrick they returned to the couch relaxing and getting Calleigh to relax.


	8. A good cry

Febuary 1999

Calleigh´s father was still ina a coma and Horaito was worrying more and more about her. She pulled back into her shell more and more the longer her father was in that state. She loved her son and took good care of him but Horatio was worried that she did not take good enough care of herself. It was an up and down. Sometimes she was holding up alright. Other days she was a total mess and other people were not really able to get through to her.

She knows that she is hurting him with her behaviour of shutting him out sometimes, not always. Sometimes she just needs to work through things alone. Horatio knew that she did not do it on purpose and that she was falling back into her old behaviour. But he was worried how much longer she would be able to hold on behaving like that. He was worried that she might totally break down some day if she did not start thinking about herself. Her father has been ill since his accident in October 1997 and he knew that no one could hold on so long without needing a break.

"Calleigh!" "Yes Horatio?" He went to sit down next to her on the couch where she was holding the sleeping Patrick. "Calleigh honey I think it would be good for you to get away for a while and just relax." "Horatio I cannot. My father he needs us." "I know. But do you think that would want you to totally exhaust yourself and make yourslef sick?" She just shook her head looking down. He knew that he had hit a spot. "Calleigh I did not say that we have to go for long. But I just want you to get away from this for a while and try to relax and be happy again." "Horatio I just cannot….." She had now tears straming down her face. Horatio took Patrick from her and put him down on the couch next to him. He pulled her into hug. "Calleigh it will be alright." "Horatio please do not make me do this." She was sobbing and Horatio was glad that was letting everything out after a while again. She did not do that very often.

It took Calleigh a long time to calm down again and when she had done that she was asleep. He put Patrick on the blanket on the floor. Then he carried her to their bedroom and put her down on the be dand covered her with a blanket. He then went and carried Patrick to bed. After that he joined Calleigh in bed and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him. He just hoped that she would be able to get some well deserved rest during the night.


	9. Trady strikes

April 1999

Horatio had hoped that Calleigh would have a break of bad news. But unfortunately it did not happen. In the beginning of this month Calleigh´s grandmother Calleigh had died in New Orleans. Calleigh had kept quite good contact ot her and her husband Anthony as well as to her other grandparents. The did not help the whole situation at all. It only made it worse. After Horatio had told Calleigh about her death she totally broke down. Horatio and Alexx had had a hard time calming her down.

Now after they had went to New Orleans for the funeral and were back at home in Miami Calleigh was even more devestated because her father was not able to say good-bye to his mother. Horatio had taken a few days off to be with Calleigh because he did not want leave her alone right now.

Calleigh was lying on the bed and was looking out of the window covered with a quilt. Horatio had carried her to bed after she had a good gry in his arms on the couch earlier that day. He decided to check on her and found her that way when he entered the bedroom. "Calleigh!" He slowly approached her careful not to scare her. He sat down on the other side on the bed. "Sweetheart I know that you are awake." "Horaito!" was her soft answer. He could her from her voice that she was crying and it hurt him. "Calleigh sweetheart! I am going to come around the bed Ok?" "Yes." He slowly got up and walked around the bed until he was sitting on her side of the bed. He slowly took her hadn in his and noticed that it was cold. He gave it a gentle squeeze.

That unfortunately did not have the wished effect. Instead it made Calleigh sob again. Horatio helped her sit up and moved that he was sitting against the headboard with her curled up against his side. He knew that she must be cold and covered her with the quilt and wrapped his arms tight around her trying to get her warm again. "I loved her very much. I spent a lot of weekends and her and her grandfathers house. I could forget what was going on at home when I was with her." Sobs wrecked her body again and Horatio pulled her into a hug again. "I know sweetheart. It will be alright. We will just take slow steps down the road of recovery alright?" "Yes." She snuggled into him again felling safe in his strong arms. She trusted him and knew that he would never leave her alone now after everything he had gone through with her during the last two years. She knew now that he would be always at her side.


	10. Second Pregnancy

May 1999

Calleigh was still a wreck and Horatio was really concerned about her. Only Patrick seemed to be able to cheer her up and keep her sane for a little while. He was glad that she was able to spend a lot of time with Patrick. But he knew that Calleigh would need a break soon. His wife was so fragile that she could easily break and he knew that. He had to make sure that that would not happen.

When he arrived back home from work he would his wife lying on their bed curled up in a ball. He slowly approached her. He sat down on the bed and reached a hand out and pushed her hair out of her face. She slooked up at him and seemed to be totally lost. He knew that she was starting to break. He sat back against the headboard of the bed and placed Calleigh in his arms with her head on his lap. She was crying soundless tears. Horatio stoked her hair and her back. She was clutching his hand. He let her cry hoping she would talk to him alone.

After a while she slowly sat up and leaned against his chest with Horatio´s arms still wrapped securily around her. She looked at him and it hurt him to see his wife so lost and devestated. She settled her head under his chin and started talking. "Horatio I am pregnant." He was stunned by her statement. He pulled back a little and could see that she did not seem to be to happy, he could not blam her under the circumstances. "Calleigh that is positive news. But you do not really seem to be to happy right?" "Horatio I know this child is innocent. I always wanted many kids but somehow cannot seem to be to happy right now. I am lost Horatio."

"Sweetheart I know. But I know that we will manage and get through this together." "How can we have another child Horatio. We already have dad and Patrick." He cupped her face and made her look at him. "Sweetheart Patrick is there yes. But it will not harm him to have a younger sibling. Calleigh you are strong and it will do you some good too, to be happy again and smile again once in a while." "Horatio!" "Calleigh I know that it is hard for you to smile under these circumstances but you have to smile once in a while. Everyone deserves to see you smile, and so do you. Aside from that your father would not want you to stop being happy and stop smiling. He would want you to be happy. Sweetheart just try to smile once in a while. You will see that it will help you too."

"Horatio you know that I cannot give you a guarantee but I think I will try." "Thank you." He leaned down and captured her lips with his causing her to moan. She turned in his arms and was faceing him now. She continued the kiss, even after breathing for air. But Horatio knew that she was definitely now up to it. He stilled her movements and caused her to look at him. "Horatio why are you stoping?" "Honey I know what you are looking for but you have to think about yourself." "Horatio please I need to feel you close." He knew that she was looking for a way to escape her memories of her grandmother and her father. He knew that she was to fragile and definitely to weak for that at the moment.

"Calleigh you are looking for some kind of an escape to forget for a while." "What is wrong with tha?." Her voice was getting louder. "Nothing honey. But I also know that you have not had enough sleep for the last two weeks. You need to get some decent sleep Calleigh, especially with our little miracle in there." He stroked her belly." "Horatio please!" "Calleigh we will do this when you get your strength back sweetheart. You are definitely not up to it now." "What are you expecting me to do then?" "Honey how about we get some decent sleep now. Or you could talk to me about the things that are going on in your mind."

She knew that he was right and that she was not up to love making but at the moment the longing was bigger. She sat up. "Horatio just make me feel better." She then continued her assault on Horatio. He stilled her movements and held her close to him. "Calleigh we are not doing this now and not tonight. Sweetheart I want you to relax and get some sleep." Calleigh was a little shocked by his firm and strict words and that made her eyes well up with tears. Horatio pulled her into a hug again. "Horatio why do you not want to love me?" "Sweetheart I would love to love you today but you are just not up to ist. Calleigh you need some sleep and then we will think about it tomorrow." "Fine." She was definitely not happy with that but she definitly did not have the strength to fight with him now. She leaned back against his chest and after a while Horatio could hear her breathing evening out.

The next morning was Saturday and when Horatio got up in the morning he decided to let her sleep because she needed it. When he out Patrick down for is morninf nap at around 10:30 he went to check on Calleigh. When he entered the bedroom he found it empty. He then went back downstairs after he had checked the bathroom. He found her sitting next to her father crying. He slowly walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She slowly turned around and saw her hushand looking down at her with his loving eyes. She turned so she was sitting sideways and then leaned her head against him having his arm wrapped around her shoulder. He could feel how tired, unrelaxed and devestated his wife was. She was crying. He slowly bent down and picked his crying wife up in his arms. He carried her to their bedroom and sat down on the bed against the headboard with her between his legs, leaning against his chest. He just let her cry knowing that she had to let it all out.

After she had calmed down a bit she looked up at him with the same lost eyes she had had the day before. "Where is Patrick?" "He is takeing his nap sweetheart." Horatio kissed her forhead as she was leaning even more into him. "Horatio just hold me." "I am right here Calleigh." She looked up at him again and said. "Do not let me go. Ever." "He could hear the desperation in her words. He cupped her face and looked strait into her eyes wanting to make sure that she understood him. "Calleigh I do not plan on going anywhere." "Good." She leaned back against his chest and closed her eyes. "Calleigh get some rest I will be right here." She slowly faded away sleeping against his chest held by his secure arms.

After she had slept for a few hours she joined Patrick and Horatio in the kitchen. "Hey!" She walked up to him and stretched up for a kiss. He pulled her into a hug. "How are you?" "Better." "I was about to take Patrick for a walk. Do you want to join?" he could see her hesitate knowing that she was weak. "We will only take short one." "Ok." Horatio got Patrick dressed and settled in the stroller. He then helped Calleigh get dressed. During their walk Horatio was firmly holding Calleigh´s hand. She herself was clutching his hand with both of her hands. While they were walking through the park he could see that she was weak again. They sat down on a bench. He wrapped her into a hug trying to give her the strength back that she needed to be able to walk home.

After a while Horatio got up. "Are you up to walking home again." "I have to anyway." "We will go slow." He helped her up and wrapped his arm around her shoulder while she wrapped her arms around herself. Her left hand holding onto Horatio´s right hand that was around her back at her side now. They slwoly made their way back home, where Calleigh collapsed on the couch. Patrick was playing in his play pen while Horatio joined his wife on the couch. He pulled her into a hug and let her rest against him. He covered her with the blanket which she gladly accepted. She was lying limp in his arms leaned against his chest. Horatio was really worried but knew that she had been through a lot and that was a result of that. He could just hope that it would get better and that her second pregnancy would let her smile from time to time.


	11. Panic

June 1999

Horatio had desperately hoped that she would have a break from bad news but that unfortunately did not happen. Kenwall Duquesne, Calleigh´s father died about a month after his mother. That totally broke Calleigh to a point going to very worrying depressions and trust issues. Horatio knew that Calleigh would have a hard time surviving that so he took a leave of absence leaving Eric in charge of the lab so he could be with Calleigh. She was almost a wreck who was afraid of being left by Horatio and was clinging to him.

He wanted to go by the lab to get a few things. "Where are you going Horatio?" She walked up to him in the hall. He turned around and looked right into her oanic striken eyes. He took her hands in his and looked straight into her eyes. "Calleigh I just have to make sure Eric is settled in my office and I will pick some papaerwork to work on from here." "You are going away right?" she asked in a small voice. "Calleigh sweetheart. I am going to the lab and will be back as fast as I can. I am not leaving you." He gave her a kiss and wanted to leave but Calleigh was clutching his arm dreading to let him go. When he looked up into her face again he quickly changed his mind and called Eric ans asked him to bring him paper work after his shift.

He then pulled Calleigh into a secure hug. She slowly started to relax in his arms that were safe and secure. He heard her panicked breathing returning to a normal breathing slowly. He lead them to the couch and sat both of them down. Calleigh snuggled into his chest even more. She was clutching him afraid that he might leave if she let go. It pained Horatio to see his wife in so much fear and panic afraid to be left alone. Where was his strong and indepentdent wife? He knew that it would be a long road down recovery. She would need time and help and he was determined to give her both of that.

"Horatio do not ever leave me or our children." Horatio was shocked by her statement. He puched her back a little from his chest so he could see her face. "Hey! What makes you think that I would leave you Calleigh?" "Everyone is leaving Horatio. Mom, dad, my brothers Simon and Patrick, my grandmother and my great-grandfather. Why would you stay Horatio? Why?" She had tears streaming down her face and Horatio had never before seen so much fear in her eyes. "Calleigh why should I leave you?" "I do not know. Maybe I am to much of an grieving wreck now. You want someone who is happy." "Stop! Calleigh I am not leaving you. Not now and ever would I do that intentionally. I am not leaving because I love you with all my heart. You are going to be the mother of my children, and already are and you are my wife. Besides that I gave you a promise. To stand by you in good and bad times no matter what happens. Sweetheart I lave you." "Horatio why? I am a wreck you cannot be alone. Who is weak." "No you are not a wreck Calleigh. You are not weak Calleigh. You are grieving and you are going through a hard time right now but you are not going through it alone Calleigh. I am here with you for every step. We are in this together." "I want to believe it Horatio really." "Calleigh I know that you have trust issues but you are going to have to trust me that I am in this for the long haul and that I DO NOT intend on leaving you alone." "Ok." He voice was still thin and Horatio knew that she would need time.

She snuggled into his chest even more trying to grasp all that has been going on, trying to process it. She could not lie but she was afraid that Horatio might leave her because she was a wreck right now. She knew that it would take her time to recover and to get rid of that fear. Horatio held her close trying to make her feel that he was in their relationship for the long haul. After a while Calleigh had fallen asleep from exhaustion though it only shortly before noon.

He liftet Calleigh up a little and laid her down on the couch when he heard Patrick wake up from his nap. During the time he was upstairs Calleigh woke up alone and started to panic. She searched the whole house until she found her to boys in the nursery. "Horatio!" He picked up Patrick and walked over to Calleigh who had panic written in her eyes. He encircled her into a hug. "I only looked after Patrick. I did not leave you." He reassured her. He kissed her and saw that she relaxed into his embrace. He led his family back downstairs to the couch and sat down with Calleigh in his arm holding Patrick in her lap. Snuggling into him she was relieved having him there with her. She was counting on his strong shoulder to help her through this. She was depending on him to not leave her alone with this.

When Horatio felt the tension return in her he slowly turned her head to face him. "I am right here sweetheart." "Thank you." "You are welcome Calleigh." She solemnly nodded leaning her head against his chest. A few minutes later she had fallen sleep again. He put Patrick on the floo and then he eased up Calleigh and lied her down on the couch covering her with a blanket. He then joinsed his son on the floor playing with him. That way he could tend to his soon without being to far away from Calleigh. He was in her sight. He knew that she would need it when she would wake up. She needed reassurance he would get it from him. He was determined to give it to her.


	12. Slow recovery

August 1999

Calleigh slowly reacovered form the loss with Horatio´s help. He was there when she had needed him. He had reassured and encouraged her when she had needed it. Today she was meeting with Alexx for coffee at their house. Horatio knew that it would be good for Calleigh to talk to Alexx. But he intended to stay in the house during that time just in case he was needed. "Horatio what are you going to do with Patrick while I am talking with Alexx?" "Calleigh I am not going anywhere. I will be at home with Patrick. I will be right here." "Thank you." "I will be upstairs with Patrick if that is alright with you." "Yes."

Calleigh was sitting on the couch when the doorbeel rang. Horatio went to open it. "Alexx!" "Horatio!" "Come on in." "How is she?" "As good as can be expected. I will be upstairs with Patrick if she needs me. Please be careful with her." "I will Horatio." They walked into the livingroom. "Alexx!" "Calleigh!" Alexx walked up to Calleigh and gave her a hug. She then sat down next to Calleigh. Horatio brought them some tea. "Calleigh you know where I will be." "Thank you." Horatio walked to Patrick´s room to play with his son.

"Calleigh how are you holding up?" "I am alright. Considering what a wrekc I must have been right hafter my father died." "You were not a wreck. You were grieving Calleigh. There is nothing wrong with that." "I know. I has been hard but I have not been alone." "No." "Horatio was great during the last time. He never left me alone during the last time because I was a little afraid of that. He knew that I was afraid of being alone. He did everything to make sure that I believed him that he would not leave me." "Calleigh Horatio really loves you. He would never hurt you intentionally." "I know. I knew that before to but I somehow was so lost after the loses that I doubtet him." "Calleigh he forgave you. He knew that you were grieving." "I know Alexx."

After talking to Alexx for an hour or so she could see that Calleigh was changing and was tensing up. "Calleigh I will call Horatio." Calleigh just solemnly nodded. "Horatio could you come down please." Horatio who had just put down Patrick for a nap came down stairs and entered the livingroom. When he saw Calleigh´s expressions he immediately sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders. Both Alexx and Horatio noticed that Calleigh relaxed almost immediately. She reached for his free hand. "How is the little beby doing inside you Calleigh?" "Good so far. Thank you Alexx." After another hour or so Alexx left and left the couple alone.

Horatio returned to the couch after seeing Alexx out. He sat back down next to her and pulled her into his chest again. "How are you feeling?" "Better. It was good to talk to her." "I am glad that it helped you." She snuggled into him. "Just hold me please." "I am right here." Horatio pulled her even more into him. He knew that the talk with Alexx had helped hr but it had also brought up everything again and that had exhausted her a little. He had his arms wrapped securily around his wife noticeing how clingly she was again.

The next Monday his leave of absence had expired and he hated it but he had to go back to work. While they were eating breakfast he broke the news to Calleigh. "Calleigh I have to go back to work." "Why?" "Sweetheart my leave of absence only lastet two months. It is over today." "What does that mean?" "I have to go back to the lab Calleigh. I am sorry." He could see her biting her lower lip and he knew that she was totally afraid and lost." "I will be fine." "Are you sure?" " No. But I have to I guess." "Sweetheart are you sure that you are up to it?" She shook her head and he knew that it was the truth. He knew that she did not seem to ready and up to it yet. She was still to weak and depressive. He did not want her to feel left alone. So he came up with an other idea. "Calleigh change of plans. How about you and Patrick come with me and stay in my office." Calleigh´s face lit up. "Thank you." He knew that they could not do that everyday but he hoped that Calleigh would get her strength back completely and would have faith in herself again soon, too.


	13. A second boy

October 1999

By now Calleigh was a lot more the old one again, not completly but she was getting there. Horatio was relieved to see her getting better. He knew that she had been through enough and needed to have her normal life back again. Calleigh had started to work on a temporarly basis again until her maternity leave. But it helped her to get back her normal life.

Horatio went to visit Calleigh and to bring her a few bullets. When he entered the lab he could see her sitting at her desk looking at a file. She was now six months pregnant. "Calleigh!" He slowly aproached her. She turned around. "Hey!" "How are you?" "I am as alright as I can be. Thank you." "Ok. I have a few bullets for you. Could please run them." "Yes." He out a hand on her shoulder and kissed her temple. She gratefully leaned into him. "Horatio I think I want ot know the sex this time." "Are you sure?" "I have to Horatio." "Alright." He knew that she needed some security right now and if that would help her was more then happy to accept her wish. "When is your next doctors appointment?" "Today. Will you come?" "Sure."

When they were at the doctors the doctor made a sonogram and had good news for the parents. "I am happy to tell you that you are going to have another son Calleigh." "Thank you." The doctor left them alone and Horatio could see happytears running down her cheecks. "Patrick is going to have a brother Calleigh." "Yes. A brother named Simon Kenwall. After my brother and my great-grandfather Simon and after my father, grandfather and great-grandfather Kenwall. I mean if that is if you are alright with that. I just want him to have those names." He took her hands in his hand stilled her rambeling with a kiss. "Calleigh it is more then alright. His name will be Simon Kenwall." He could see tears shimmering in her eyes. "Thank you." "You are welcome." They were happy that there life was slowly going back to normal nd hoped that it would stay that way even though they knew that Calleigh´s other grandparents and great-grandparents would pass away someday too, some of them were very old by now. But both of them knew that they would recover from that together.


	14. Cemetary

November 1999

Calleigh´s state had only improved a little. She was torn and wrecked. She was barely able to be happy about the upcoming birth of their second son Simon Kenwall. It hurt Horatio very much to see her in so much pain and agony. It had been five months now, since her fathers death. She was in her husbands office a lot during the day just to get a kiss or a hug. She had the need to be close to him a lot. Her emotional state had only improved a little, what meant that she was not so depressive anymore and was not always on the verge of tears. Horatio was happy about that. Most of all he was happy that she was able to be alone again for a short time.

She walked into his office to find it empty. She needed to be close to him again. She sat down on his couch and waited for him. When he returned to his office a little later he found her sitting on the couch. "Calleigh!" She looked up at him and he could see that she was in need of his strong arms. He sat down next to her and wrapped her into a hug. She leaned back against his chest and relaxed into him.

Horatio noticed that she seemed to be in need of some well deserved rest and in need of relaxation. "Calleigh we are going home." "OK:" He was surprised that she did not object. He stood and helped her up. He then collected their things, returned to his office and lead Calleigh out to the car. They then drove home. At their house Calleigh retired to the bedroom. Horatio joined her and held her while she got her well deserved sleep. She needed that so much.

When she woke up after a few hous she found herself in Horatio´s safe arms and could not deny that she was happy about that. She was happy that he was there and was protecting and holding her. She felt safe and loved in his arms. "Horatio!" He looked at her and he could see that she wore a smile. He pulled her into him again and kissed her temple. She leaned into him. "I want to go to the cemetary Horatio!" He looked at her a little surprised. "Are you sure sweetheart?" "Yes." He knows that she does want to seem alright but he knows that she is slowly getting there. He knows that the visit at the cemetary can help her. "Alright we are going to the cemetary." "Thank you." She leans up to give him a kiss. He responds to the kiss. He then helps her up. They put Patrick in his car seat and go to the cemetary.

When they arrive Horatio takes Patrick out of the bank and helps Calleigh out, too. He then leads his wife to the grave of her family. When they arrive it he could feel her tense next to him. He pulled her even closer to him and kissed her temple. He went to give her some space but she clutched his hand. "Do not go please." "I am right here." He put an arm around her shoulders. They stepped closer to the grave and she started to talk to her father, mother, brothers, grandfather and great-grandfather.

After she had finished Horatio could see that she was crying and held her hand tight. After a little while he led her to the car. He put Patrick in the backseat and then tended to Calleigh. He leaned her against the door of the passanger seat. "Thank you for bringing me here" Calleigh said in a weak voice with tears in her voice. "You are welcome sweetheart." He pulled her to him a kissed her mouth and then her temple. He then pulled her into his chest. He knew that she would not cry here so he helped her into the car and drove them home.

At their house he out Patrick down for the night. He then joined his wife in their bedroom.l she still had tears in her eyes as she was sitting on their bed in her nightgown her legs tucked under her. He changed and sat down behind her and pulled her into his chest. She turned around in his arms and just laid her head against his chest. She slowly let the tears fall. He pulled her even more into him trying to calm her down because he knew that stress is not good for the baby. She was now sobbing for her family. "I am here sweetheart. Let it all out. I am not going to let you fall Calleigh. You have to try and calm down because stress is not good for the baby." She was holding onto his shirt for dear life. When she slowly calmed down she slumped against him weak fromcrying. "Feel any better?" "A lot." She miled up at him and he could see that she was definitly a lot better then before they had went ot the cemetary. He hoped it would stay that way.


	15. Recovering

December 1999

Calleigh had definitly recovered much better since they had visited the cemetary. She was actually living a normal life again free of fear of being left alone by Horatio and free drom breakdown. Horatio was really happy about that. She was slowly becoming the old Calleigh again. She was happy now about their second sons soon arrival.

"Calleigh I have to say that you look happy again." "I am definitly happy Horatio." "You really deserve to be happy after such a long time sweetheart." She looked up athim and smiled at him thankful for his support during the whole time. "You know that it would have been harder without you being at my side costantly." "Calleigh!" He took her hands in his and made her look at him. "You are a strong woman. You would have gotten through this without me, too." "I know but I am glad I did not have to." "And you never will if I can help it." "Thank you." Horatio pulled her into him for a loving kiss and then pulled her into a hug. She loved being in his loving arms. She felt safe and did not want it to end. When he pulled back from the hug he could feel Calleigh holding onto him trying to make it last. "Calleigh we have to go to work." "I know. It just feels good to be inyour arms without being in tears and weak." "Calleigh I know what you are asking mw. You do not want me to tell anyone about your sometimes really weak state of health. My lips are sealed. You do not have to worry." "Thank you." Horatio knows that she does not want to feel weak infront of anyone else then her husband and he would not put her secret of being weak into public.

On their way to work they dropped Patrick of at the Daycare and then went to the lab. Calleigh was already on maternity leave but she spent some days at the office with Horatio. That day was one of those days. It was her way of slowly getting back into her normal life again.

After work they picked up Patrick and then drove home. There Calleigh was takeing care of Patrick while Horatio was prepareing dinner. A little while later he joined her and helped her put Patrick down for the night. He then led his wife to the dinner table in the dinningroom. After dinner the couple watched a little TV. Calleigh was resting in Horatio´s arms which he had wrapped securily around them. She slowly drifted of to sleep in his arms after a while. Horatio noticed it and carried her to bed and covered her with a blanket, joined her and wrapped his arms around her.

The next morning Calleigh slowly got out of bed now feeling really that she was eight months pregnant. She joined her two men in the kitchen. "How are my boys?" "Morning sweetheart." Calleigh gave each of them a kiss and sat down on a chair. She looked exhausted as Horatio noted. She knew tat he would have to go to work. "Are you going to be alright with Patrick alone?" "I will be alright honey." "Call me if you need me Calleigh." "I will." He hated to leave her alone with Patrick in her state. He gave his wife one last kiss and left for work. He could not leave his thoughts of Calleigh at work and was happy when his shift was over.

When he returned home he found his wife prepareing dinner and Patrick playing in his playpen. He walked into the kitchen. He gave Calleigh a kiss. "Sweetheart why do you not sit down and relax a little while I finish dinner." "Horatio I am alright." "Calleigh you were up all day. You need to relax and get some rest, too. You are exhausted." "Alright." She knew better then to argue with him right now. He knew that she was not happy to have to rest but she had to admit that she needed it.


	16. Another boy

January 2000

On January 11th their second son Simon Kenwall was born after fifteen hours of labor. Yelina was with Patrick during that time. She was happy was crying tears that were both happy and sad tears. Sad tears because her father would never know his two grandsons. Calleigh was torn between happiness and sadness. Horatio could see that and it hurt him. He sat down next to her on the bed and took her hand in his. "Calleigh I know that it is really hard for you but your father is watching you sweetheart." She looked up at him and a few tears rolled down her cheeks. He cupped her face with his hands and dried the tears with his thumbs. "I miss him Horatio!" "I know sweetheart. I know." She started to cry harder and Horatio pulled her into a hug stroking her back trying to calm her down. He let her cry knowing that she would feel better after.

When they returned to their house two days later Calleigh did not really seem to be herself. Horatio had noticed it, too. After their two sons were sleeping and they were sitting on the bed leaned against the headboard. "Calleigh were are you in your thoughts?" "You know since my brother, my father, my grandfather and my great-grandmother have died we had two beautiful children. But I have been so in my wooried that I have neglected my duties of being your wife." He stoped her by pressing a finger to her mouth. He knows that she is referring to their lovemaking which has been rare during the past months. The last months have been very trying and emotional for her. "Stop! I know where you are going with this. It was the way it was Calleigh. The last months and years have been very hard for you and you had no obligations to fulfil yyout so called tasks sweetheart. You deserved to have a break and to just be yourself for god sake. I never pressured you and I never will. Did I ever pressure you or did I ever give you the feeling that I was not happy the way we were living our lige?" "No you did never pressure meand you have never given me the feeling that you were not happy Horatio. But you have to somehow be unhappy in some way." "Calleigh stop it!" He turned her to that she was facing him. "I told you that I was not unhappy Calleigh. I love you and our family. You have been under a lot of stress and pressure during the past years and I never wanted to put more stress on you. You needed me to be strong for you, to give you strength, to help you and to stand by your side. I did what you needed me to do and I was were you needed me to be. I was at your side sweetheart. Now do yourself a favour and put those thoughts aside and try to get some sleep honey. You need it because Simon will wake up soon." "Thank you." He leaned down to give her a sweet kiss and he then helped her lay back against his chest to get some sleep. After she had fallen asleep he hoped that he was able to convince her.


	17. Against orders

Febuary 2000

Simon was now about a month old. Calleigh and Simon were now home and had gotten used to their new routine there. She was happy and Horatio could easily say that he had not seen her so happy in a very loing time. She was feeling very good and was happy.

"Calleigh!" She turned abround and looked at Horatio. "Hey!" He walked up to her and stood next to her watching Simon sleep in his crib. He laid an arm around her and she laid her head on his shoulder. Both enjoying the moment watching Simon sleep. They barely had time to do that as Horatio was working and Calleigh was at home with their children.

After a while he led his wife back to their bedroom and helped her into the bed. He sat up against the headboard and wrapped her into a hug. She just relaxed into him trying to get some rest. Suddenly their bedroom door opened to reveal Patrick walking in. "Patrick!" He ran to his parents bed and Horatio picked him up. "How did he get out of his bed Horatio?" "I do not know Calleigh." "Dada." "Yes I am your father." Horatio settled Patrick in his lap and wrapped his other arm around Calleigh. Horatio smiled down at his family almost asleep in his arms.

A little while later he carefully laid Calleigh down on the bed and carried Patrick into his room and put him in his bed. When returned to their bedroom he could see that Calleigh was awake and was looking at him. "Hey!" "Where did you go?" "I brought Patrick back to his bed." "Thank you." He joined her in bed and pulled her into him kissing his temple. Their kiss turned into a few minutes of kissing ending up in a sweet and pssionate love making. Horatio noticed that Calleigh had longed for his love and he had given it to her against doctors orders to wait six weeks. They had only waited four weeks. But Horatio noticed that Calleigh was relaxed and he knows that it was worth the risk of going against the doctors orders.

The next morning Calleigh came into the kitchen with a quilty face what Horatio noticed right away. "Calleigh!" "Morning." He lightly kissed her temple and then made her sit down on a chair. "What is on your mind Calleigh?" "We went against the doctors orders yesterday evening. We had sex Horatio." He looked at her and could read her panicked face. "Honey listen to me. I know that we went against the doctors orders but I did not stop you." "Why?" "Because you needed it and it relaxed you. The right thing for me to make sure that you get enough sleep in the spare time you are able to." "Horaio….." He stoped her by kissing her. "It is alright Calleigh. I did what I had to do to help you relax and to let you to be able to feel yourself again and be yourself again. You needed some extra attention honey. Some extra attention in a good way because of a positive occasion." "Alright. Thank you." "You are welcome. Now stop worrying." "Alright." He kissed her temple lightly and returned to preparing breakfast.

During that time Calleigh went back upstairs to tend to her two sons. When she had finished that she went downstairs with Simon on her arm and Patrick at her hand. Horatio saw them walk down the stairs and took Patrick form her hand and carried him to his highchair. Calleigh followed him with Simon and sat down with Simon on her lap. During breakfast Calleigh and Horatio enjoyed their family time and tended to their children.

After breakfast Calleigh got Patrick dressen because Horatio would take him to Daycare now, where he had gone after his was three months but stoped going during the last part of Calleigh´s pregnancy. Now he would start going again. The Daycare was in the Building where the CSI was.

When they were about to leave Horatio could see that Calleigh was a little unhappy. "Calleigh we will be alright. I am going to drop Patrick of at work and then I am going to go to my office. You can call me if you need me." "Horatio I hate to let him go." "I know. He used to go to the Daycare and now he is going back there. He knows everyone there. He will be alright. Stop worrying." He pulled her in for a hug and lightly kissed her head. "We have to go. Bye honey." "Hye Horatio." She waved them as they left the driveway and went to the Daycare and the CSI.

Calleigh went back into the house and tended to Simon. During the day she did things for herself reading a book and relaxing. She enjoyed being able to do things for herself.

When Horatio and Patrick returned home in the evening Calleigh was relaxed and was preparing dinner. Patrick played with his firetrucks in the livingroom and Horatio joined his wife in the kitchen. "Hey!" "How are you doinh?" "I am doing good. I really am Horatio." "Alright. He put his hand on the small of her back. "What are you cooking?" "Pees, carrots, chicken and rice with sauce." "That is definitly good." "Yeah." he helped his wife finish preparing dinner and then they ate at their diningroom table as a family.


	18. A flashback

March 2000

Calleigh was still a wreck since her maternal grandfather´s death Simon in February. Horatio is worried about her. Calleigh had loved Simon very much and was now suffering badly. Horatio who loved his wife very much was heartbroken because Calleigh was so grief stricken. He did not take it very well to see his beloved wife in that state. But he knew that it was not her fault as it was life´s way. It was not her fault that she was the way she is. The grief is leading her to do things she would normally not do and Horatio knows that. He had been 78 years old and had been very ill. It did not make it easier for Calleigh and Horatio.

When he came home in the evening with Patrick Horatio found Simon lying in front of the couch and Calleigh sitting on the couch watching him. He put Patrick down and sat down next to Calleigh. "Hey!" She leaned into his embrace. "Hey!" He noticed how thin her voice was. "How was you and Simon´s day?" "Normal." "Ok." He did not want to push her so he let it be for now. He pulled her into his chest and they just watched their sons play.

When their sons were in bed they sat against the headboard of their bed, Calleigh in Horatio´s embrace. "Are you alright Calleigh?" "I guess….God I hate being such a wreck." "Honey look at me." He tilted her chin up so she was looking at him. "You are not a wreck. You are a grieving woman. Sweetheart you will be alright. I promise you that. I am asking you to trust me to lead you through this hard and difficult time." She looked at him intently. "Horatio you know that I trust you with my heart and my life. Please just help me." "Alright." Horatio leaned forward to kiss her lightly. She responded to the kiss which later ended up in a passionate lovemaking. The next morning Calleigh seemed to be a little more relaxed but Horatio knew that she was not out of the winds yet. But he would make sure that she would be alright again soon.

He deep down knew that Calleigh would try to keep pretending that she was alright. That is what she also did and does as she has not learned it in a different way. Her parents always lived their life that way. They always pretended that everything was alright, even if it was not. She had done that in her childhood, because her father was alcoholic, and continued to do it now. If he could not make her see, that she does not have to pretend and live her life open, at least with him, she would keep pretending which would hurt her emotionally.

A few days later he was preparing dinner when he noticed Calleigh entering the kitchen. She looked at little lost and sad. She looked like she was trying to shield herself from something. He knew that she was shielding herself from the grief but he cannot let that happen. He put the knife down on the counter and walked over to her. He smiled lightly and her while bowing his head to the side a little. Calleigh looked at him for a moment before looking down.

Horatio then put his arm on her right upper arm and maneuvered her into his arms. She reluctantly allowed him to pull her into his chest and leaned her head against his chest. "Come on." He led her to the couch were they sat down together. Horatio knew that Calleigh would have to tell him what is going on that it was quite useless to force her to talk, because she would probably shut down. She slowly moved over to him and he opened his arms. She moved into his arms and burrowed against his chest. She had to admit that she felt safe where she was at the moment and had no intent of changing that.

"This afternoon while I was taking care of Simon I had a flashback." "A flashback of what sweetheart?" She swallowed not sure how to find the right words to say. "I was changing Simon`s diaper. I had a flashback of me changing Patrick´s diaper when he was about two years old and my parents were fighting because mom was angry at dad for drinking. They were fighting while I was eight years old and was taking care of Simon and Patrick who were 5 and 2 years old and did not understand what was going on." He knew that Calleigh had a flashback to a part of her childhood that she tried to hide from everyone even from him. He also knew at that moment that has not come to terms with the things that had happened in her childhood and later on with her brothers, her parents, her grandparents and her great-grandparents dying. She was still fighting demons from her past, especially from her childhood.

"When I was a little girl I always tried to protect them. When the marriage of my parents became violent I tried to shield them from it and from my father´s drinking. I did everything I could to protect him but I obviously did not do a good enough job, did I?" "Calleigh you were a little girl who did what she thought was right by trying to protect her brothers. It should have been your mother´s job to protect you and not yours. You did a good job, as good as you could at that age." He tightened his hold on her a little.

"Calleigh, why did you never tell me that you were fighting demons from you past, your childhood. That you were still trying to understand why your parents, brother, grandparents and great-grandparents died?" He knew that she was trying to understand it all. Her sentence from before told him, that she was not only trying to come to terms with what happened in her childhood but with everything else, too. "I was scared what you might say or so." He was a little shocked and surprised. "Calleigh I would never hurt or by angry with you for something that happened to you and is still haunting you. You know that you can tell me everything. So please tell me if something is wrong next time and we will figure it out together." She nodded into his chest.

"We will figure out what happened in your past together, too."


	19. Memory Lane Part 1

April 2000

About a month later Calleigh felt incredibly sad. She knew that it had to do with her family but that was definitely not all of it. They had been working case after case for weeks. Gruesome cases and horrible cases. Cases which include children.

Their last case was about a murdered jail warden, leaving a wife and three small children. He was killed by a former inmate of the federal state prison. This case made Calleigh think back.

Calleigh thought back to her own childhood. Her father Kenwall was a lawyer and he unfortunately was an alcoholic. He drank a lot, had accidents, and was arrested several times for driving under influence. She was a young girl with two younger brothers.

She had done everything she could to help her mother and her brothers. Sometimes Calleigh still felt as if it had not been enough because her father had continued drinking, except for a few dry times. Her parents marriage had become even worse over the years until they decided to separate when she was 19 years old. Leaving her 17 and 14 year old, brothers in the middle of a vicious custody battle.

After a few months her parents had then decided that would continue their marriage and moved back in together. They lived together until her mother died 1995 when she was 21 years old.

She was ashamed of her feelings of guilt and she kept asking herself if she could have done something more to help Simon and Patrick through their whole family ordeal.

Unfortunately they will not be able to give her answers again, because both of them have died. She had never told anyone why they had passed away, not even Horatio who loved her unconditionally and who she loved very much. Her head and her heart told her that she could always tell Horatio everything and she knew that she would have to tell him someday about what happened.

Her subconscious mind on the other hand told her not to tell Horatio about what happened because it was very private and it would be very very hard to talk about it.

Calleigh Duquesne Caine knew that she had to do something about all of this. She just did not know what.

While Calleigh was working on the two bullets, who killed the prison warden Horatio and Eric had talked to the family and his co-workers. Little did Horatio know that his wife was fighting an internal battle in her lab, while she was working on the two bullets.

Someone got an idea of the internal battle she was fighting while he came to pick up the results of the bullets a few hours later. Calleigh did not know that he knew and told him what she had found out about the bullet and the history of the bullets matching other crimes. While she told him everything she had found he just listened and watched her.

"Calleigh!" he set the file she had given him on the table next to him. She could hear by his voice that he saw something that caused him to worry. She put her things back in their place and continued busying around her lab. "What is it Horatio?" she tried to sound as normal as possible.

He knew that she would not talk voluntarily and that he would have to coax her. He stepped in her line of walking and forced her to stop when she bumped into him. "Horatio!" she looked up surprised but knew his plan immediately when she saw his eyes. He looked down at her and searched her eyes for any indication what was going on.

"What do you want from me Horatio?" "What is wrong?" she looked at him intently. "Nothing is wrong Horatio. We almost solved the case of a murdered family father and tonight we will go home to our children like everyone else. What makes you think something is wrong?"

"Calleigh I know when something is on your mind because I know you. Please do not tell me it is nothing. We both know that is not true." She turned around and turned her back to him moved to get back to work dismissing him without a word. Horatio knew that it was her way of trying to escape important discussions. He let it be because he would talk to her in the evening. He walked up to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder and lightly kissed the side of her head. "I will see you later Calleigh." He walked to the door and opened it.

He turned around in the door and looked back at her and met her eyes and said. "We will talk later." It was some kind of promise and he could see the flicker of fear, panic and vulnerability in her eyes. With a softer voice he said "we will be alright Calleigh. No worries." With that he left and left her alone in her sanctuary.

When he returned to his office he already had a pretty good idea of what was on her mind earlier and probably still is. The murder victim was the father of three small children, a girl and two boys. Just like Calleigh´s family. This case had probably hit too close to home for her. The only things he knew were that her parents and her brothers had died. That her father was an alcoholic and his parents were fighting and that her father had accidents and Calleigh helped her mother take care of everything. When he thought about it he definitely did not know much about her past.

He had made up his mind when he finished up in the office. He needed to get Calleigh to talk about her family and he needed to know everything to be able to help her.

On their way home Calleigh was quiet and looked out of the window or talked with their sons. He reached over and took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. She looked at him briefly with a grateful look but quickly turned her head to look out of the window again, never letting go of his hand. He was willing to give her the comfort she seemed to need at the moment. During the drive he made a promise to himself that he would find out what was going on.

He stroked his them over her palm trying to calm her down as she seemed closed up and defensive. "Sweetheart when we get home I want you to try to get some rest and let me take care of the boys." Calleigh looked up shocked and tried to pull her hand away from his hold. He tightened his grip slightly not allowing her to pull back into a shell. "I will take care of my children Horatio. I am capable of doing that." "I know. I still want you to get some rest and let me handle it tonight." She looked at him as he put their car into park in front of their house.

She quickly got out of the car and took Simon from his car seat. She walked into the house with him on her arm. Inside after she put her things down, she tended to Simon. She went to the nursery to sit in the rocking chair and to nurse Simon. Horatio had followed into the house with Patrick. He took care of Patrick and gave him something to eat as he asked for it. After he put Patrick down to play and went to check on Calleigh and Simon. He found her sitting in the rocking chair with a sleeping Simon in her arms. She was looking at him.

Horatio stopped in the doorway and looked at them. She seemed to be content at the moment but he could also read the fatigue, the pain and the hurt reflected in her face and cleared his throat. She looked up. He moved a few steps toward her stopping directly in front of her. "Sweetheart he is sleeping. Why don´t you put him in his crib and try to get some rest yourself." She unconsciously tightened her hold on Simon and he noticed it. "He will wake up when I put him in his crib Horatio." She was trying to justify it to him why she could not put him in his crib. He knew she was using him as a barrier.

He carefully knelt down in front of her and tried to reason with her. "Calleigh you know that he will continue to sleep and will not wake up when you put him in his crib. You do it every night. He never wakes up." She looked up at him and he could see her fear. "How about we put him in his crib and check in on him later." He could read the uncertainty in her eyes. "Calleigh I promise you that he will be alright. You need your rest so you can take care of our boys. Please put him in his crib."

She looked at him and could see the honesty in his eyes. She looked at Simon again and then slowly got up and put him in his crib. After she put him down she turned around and burrowed in Horatio´s chest. "It will be alright." He carefully led her to their bedroom with and arm wrapped around her. When she sat down on the edge of their bed he was worried because she looked so fragile and breakable and small.

He knelt down in front of her and took on her hands in his and made her look at him. "I want you to get changed and settled and I will get you something light to eat." She nodded a little. He lightly kissed her temple and went to get something to eat. He prepared a little bread and cheese and a cup of tea. Calleigh slowly changed into her pj´s and settled against the headboard. When he returned he joined her in the bed and sat with her while she ate. After he went to change and rejoined her in the bed. He sat up against the headboard with her and just held her in his arms.


	20. Memory Lane Part 2

April 2000

Horatio knew that he had to get Calleigh to tell him what was going on. "Do you want to tell me what is bothering you Calleigh?" she looked up at him and knew that he had the right to know. Was she ready to tell him? Was she ready to go down the painful memory lane of her parent´s marriage and her brother´s development? She looked up at him again. "It is bad and painful." He had figured that much alone already. "It could help you to talk about it." She moved her head back to his chest and clutched his shirt. He now knew that she was mentally preparing to go down memory lane and tightened his hold a little.

"When I was six Patrick was born. He was a cute little boy and Simon was happy to have a little brother. We were a happy family. I remember doing my homework with my mother when my father came home. I don´t know how or why but he was different from that day on. That was the day he started drinking." She unconsciously clutched his shirt tighter.

"From that day on daddy was drunk a lot. He did a lot of things with us. Went fishing and other things but aside from that and his work he was drunk most of the time. Almost every night he came home drunk and fell asleep on the couch and mom and I had to get him into bed." He voice was very thin and almost void of emotion.

"He had accidents and…" he suddenly could hear tears in her words and stroked her back. "He was arrested several times for drinking under influence. Sometime he started beating my mother. He only had a few times were he was sober. That behavior continued until he died."

He did not interrupt her because he knew that she needed to get it of her chest. He held her and soothed her by stroking her back while she got her bearings again. A few tears had moistened his shirt and that made it even more clearly for him, how painful her memories had to be. It also showed very clearly how hard and painful the rest of her story, are going to be for her. She rested against his chest and he somehow had the feeling that she would continue her story and he was happy to listen to her while she told her story.

While he held her he stroked her back and was quiet giving her the time she needed to get her story together. "My mother was a very lovely woman who I loved her life very much. She endured everything with my father because she loved him. Everything was endured by her without a word. When he beat her she never said a word and let him do it. She started drinking too when I was 13 or 14. She stopped being a mother sometime and I resumed her duties as a mother and house keeper.

I did my job as good as I good and did everything that had to be done. Simon and Patrick started doing drugs to escape our life for a while. They used alcohol and other drugs. They wanted to escape and forget for a while. As we both know they all both escaped somehow." The last word was almost swallowed by a sob but he heard it clearly. Horatio then held her as tears rolled down her cheeks.

After she had calmed down he moved her of off his chest and made her look at him. "What happened with your brothers?"

She looked down and played with his shirt before she rested her head on it again. "Simon was 17 when he was out partying with friends. He never came home again. He and his friends had used drugs and alcohol and unfortunately they were too wasted to know which amount is healthy for them. When the police came by in the morning my parents were still sleeping because of their hangover and I was 19 and an adult so I went with them to identify him for them. I brought Patrick to School first and then went to the morgue to identify him. I normally was already at the university but visited as often as I could to check on the boys.

I took a look at him and it was definitely Simon Kenwall Duquesne. The ME said he did of an overdose of Ecstasy, Cocaine, Amphetamines and Alcohol. I organized his funeral and took care of everything because my parents were drunk the whole time. Because I was studying in Miami at that time and buried him there and my parents did not really understand where he was buried because of their habit.

After the funeral I went to family court and asked for custody of Patrick who was 14 at that time. The family court looked at my parents house and at their habits and then at my habits. Patrick testified in court and I got custody of him. He moved in with me in Miami." Horatio could feel Calleigh burrowing into him even more and getting smaller and smaller. She was starting to tense up and he stroked her back in an effort of calming her down.


	21. Memory Lane Part 3

April 2000

"Patrick went to School in Miami and was happy. Until my mother´s doctor called in May of 1996. She was in the hospital after drinking too much. She needed a new liver after drinking heavily for almost 10 years. The doctor said that she does not have a lot of time left. Patrick and I travelled to Louisiana and went to visit my mother. During our forth visit she suddenly died leaving back Patrick and me. She never recovered from Simon´s death." She swallowed convulsively and took a deep breath.

"After the funeral in Miami and after dad had returned home things slowly went back to normal. Patrick continued going to School. Sometime later he changed and he started having legal problems. Drugs, alcohol and other stuff. I did everything I could think of to help him. But it sometimes looked like he did not want my help, and other times he begged me to help him.

While I was at the university I went to the police academy and was a patrol officer now and had been for a while. Then one day when I came home from my shift in March of 1997 I found him passed out on my couch. Next to him was a syringe and empty alcohol bottles. I called 911 and waited for them to arrive and for the ambulance. They took him to the hospital where he died in the OR. He died the way Simon had died. Horatio he died under my roof and I was not able to stop him and help him. I was supposed to help him and protect him. He died while I on patrol. Patrick died on my watch Horatio. He was 17 years old."

Her tears turned into sobs now and shook her slim body. Horatio held her and stroked her back and held her head against his chest. When her sobs ebbed down he pulled back a little at looked at her intently. "Calleigh, it is not your fault. You did everything you could to help your brother but that he died is not your fault." "He died in my apartment." "I know but it still is not your fault. He was 17 years old and was old enough to make own decisions. That does not make it any better but you have to forgive yourself. He took drugs and drank alcohol and it was his responsibility. He was a troubled by with a troubled childhood just like you had a troubled childhood. You and your brother´s survived hell but it still is not your fault what they did or did not do."

He moved his face closer to hers. "I know you loved your brothers and I love you and our children. You have to try to forgive yourself and let the demons from your past rest." "I cannot do that Horatio." He looked at her and could see her hesitance. "I know that it will not happen in one day. It will be a process. Take your time and try to let go of your guilt. You know that I will do everything I can to help you." "I know." She looked up at him with puffy and red eyes and with a tear stained pained face. He moved his mouth closer to her face his breath fanning her face. When his mouth was close to hers he said "I love you Calleigh." He then gently kissed her coaxing her lips to open under his. He gently nipped her lower lip begging for entrance. She carefully opened her mouth under his giving in to the kiss. Their tongues dueled for dominance while he held her securely against his solid chest.

After a few minutes he could feel Calleigh go weak in his arms and start to relax and he knew that he was getting somewhere. He carefully pulled back in the need for air and stared down into her beautiful face with her flushed cheeks and into her tired eyes. He moved his one hand to massage her tense shoulder muscles causing her lay her head back on his chest. "Thank you very much for sharing this with me sweetheart." She pulled back and looked at him. "Thank you for holding me, comforting me and listening to my story." He kissed her lightly. "You are welcome sweetheart. How about we try to get some well deserved rest." She shrugged her shoulders and he carefully lied down with her in his arms well aware of the possibility of upcoming nightmares during the night.

He held her close to him and wrapped both arms around her. Calleigh pretended to be asleep while he kissed her temple and head every now and then until he fell asleep. After he was asleep for a while she carefully entangled herself from his arms and got up and put her robe on. She made sure he was asleep before she slid out of the room. She walked down the stairs and arrived in the living-room. She went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and went to the porch and sat down in an armchair under a blanket. She thought back about the things she told Horatio earlier and noticed that he had not asked one question and had only listened to her.

Telling him about everything brought back a lot of hidden memories, feelings and fears. She hoped that he would sleep until the morning and give her time to think on her own. She needs time alone to think and to process everything before she can face the world again. She got up and went to her purse and got her MP3 player and returned to her seat on the porch. She sat there and just listened to music. It was a spring night and it was way past midnight. She noticed when she looked at the clock. Horatio must have listened to her for about four hours since he had brought her to their bedroom at around ten p.m.

She suddenly realized that she did not tell him about the attempted rape but she knew that he would not ask if he did not have to. He would wait for her to tell him. At the moment she just enjoyed her peace at the early morning hour.


	22. Memory Lane Part 4

April 2000

A few hours later, at about 5 in the morning Horatio woke up to find her side of the bed empty. He wondered when she had left their bed and where she might be. He got up and put his robe on and went in search of her. He carefully went to check in the boy´s room but did not find her there. He went to check on her great-grandparents and her grandfather but she was not with them either. He carefully descended the stairs and went to search. Office, living-groom, family-room, dining-room, kitchen and finally found her sitting in the arm chair on their porch. He carefully stepped outside into their screened porch and stopped next to her armchair. He could see that she was listening to music and did not want to scare her.

She was sitting with her back to the door. He cautiously walked around the chair and sat down in the armchair across from her and covered himself with a throw. He watched her closed eyes and she was contently listening to music. He knew that they would have to get up soon to get ready for work. He decided to let her be and settled himself in the chair he was sitting in.

When she woke up she saw Horatio across from her and knew that he had found out that she had left their bed during the night. He slowly opened his eyes, too. She had turned off the music and was looking at him. "How are you feeling Calleigh?" "Better." He looked at her curiously. "When did you come down here?" "I waited until you were sleeping and came down here and listened to music. I must have fallen asleep. I was hoping you would not notice until we would have to get up." He smiled. "I noticed Calleigh." He knew that she came to the porch to think and he knew that she needed to think alone for a while but he was not happy that she did it during the night.

After watching her for a while he knew that he had to get the kids ready and get ready for work. "Are you ready to leave your new sanctuary yet Calleigh?" she silently shook her head and he knew that she needed time after the intensive and long talk, actually her long story telling. It had brought back a lot of buried things and he knew that. She needed to come to terms with that. He got up and stopped in front of her. "Take your time sweetheart." He smiled down at her lightly and bent down to kiss her lips and then her temple.

While he tended to the kids and got ready for work and fed the kids Calleigh was still doing a lot of thinking on the porch. She slowly got up and went inside and met Horatio in the kitchen. He lightly kissed and watched her go upstairs. He knew that she still had a lot of thinking and processing to do. But both knew that that would have to wait because they have to go to work.


	23. Memory Lane Part 5

April 2000

Calleigh was still doing a lot of thinking during her time in her ballistic lab. Their conversation had brought up a lot of hidden things and emotions for her. She never wanted to think about the things again but now the things were out in the open and she somehow had to deal with them.

She had not told Horatio about the hardest part of her past, the attempted rape. That would be the most difficult thing to do and she knew it. She also knows that Horatio would do everything possible to help her but she was afraid to go down that part of memory lane.

Horatio should have never actually found out about the things from her past but that was too late now. She could only hope that he would not find about the most painful memory too soon. She wanted to put of that conversation along as long as possible. Calleigh was not in the mood to have the next emotional conversation that soon.

Horatio in his office was pretty sure that he knew what Calleigh was doing in her lab. She was probably working in her lab while she was thinking about their conversation last night. She was also probably thinking about her attempted rape and how to tell him about it without it being too painful.

He knew that he had to get her to talk about it and that she had to let the emotions out and had to try to work past it instead of pushing it away. No matter how painful it was and how painful it would be she had to come to terms and had to work through the traumatic events of the crime.

Aside from that she still had a lot of thinking and working through to do on the things she told him the evening before. She had told him about them but that does not mean that she has worked through them yet. The emotions were lingering just under the surface and everything could cause them to arise and could cause her to break. He knew that he could not let that happen to her.

During his walk into the Police Station he ran into Yelina. She was a good friend of Calleigh by now. When she saw him walk into the Precinct she noticed right away that he was worried. He did not have to say it as she saw it right away. "Horatio!" he turned around and stopped in front of her desk. "Yelina!" he could see the concern reflected in her eyes. "You are worried about Calleigh." "I am" was all he said because he would not betray Calleigh´s trust in him to keep quiet about her story. "We had a conversation yesterday evening." Yelina knew that there had to be more to it but that he would never betray someone and least of all Calleigh or someone else in his family.

After returning to the lab he went in search of Calleigh. He found her working at her desk in the ballistic lab. Horatio slowly approached her "Calleigh!" he said in a very gentle voice. She turned around to face him and looked into his concerned eyes. She knew that he was worried about her but she did not want to get into it in her lab. Even though his voice almost let her melt on the spot she did not want to give into her feelings. "What can I do for you?" she asked trying to sound normal.

He looked into her eyes trying to read her. She tried to look and sound normal and he had to smile lightly because he could see directly through it. Horatio decided to give her the peace for now and to not go back to her past but he vowed to talk to her at home. He moved his hands to her arms and slowly around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. She leaned into him gratefully and accepted the shelter he was giving her, even if it was just temporary.

He held her tight against his chest and lightly kissed her head. "We will be alright sweetheart." She seemed very tense and that made him frown slightly. When he pulled back a little he moved a hand to her neck and moved her head upward. She stared at him intently. Horatio gently moved his lips against her. He gently caressed her lips and dueled his tongue with hers coaxing her. She moved closer into his embrace and was soon lost in his touch and his mouth. He knew that that would not heal her but he hoped that it would help her a little.

When she pulled back in the need for air she had flushed cheeks and swollen lips. She smiled up at him shyly. "Horatio!" "Yes?" she looked down at her hands again. "What was the real reason for you visit in my lab?" He looked down at her. "I came to visit you." He smiled lightly at her. Calleigh knew that that was not the whole truth but he would never confirm his real intentions.

In the evening Calleigh was playing with the boys and tending to them. Horatio watched them and gave Calleigh the time she needed to calm down. A few minutes later he joined them on the living-room floor. He sat Patrick on his lap while he played with his truck. He smiled at Calleigh lightly who seemed content with Simon in her arms. He took one of her hands in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. She smiled at him weakly.

After they put the boys down for the night he found Calleigh on the family-room couch covered with a blanket. He joined her and wrapped an arm around her while she rested her head against his chest. "You know I was scared." "'What were you scared of Calleigh?" She went silent and tried to get her thoughts under control. "I was scared of telling you what happened in our family and what happened to my brothers. I was scared of how you would react and what you would do." He tightened his hold on her. "Sweetheart!" she still rested against his chest.

He pulled back a little. "Calleigh look at me. Please." Horatio hoped that she had enough trust in him to look at him. She slowly lifted her face to look at him. He moved his one hand to her cheek and stroked it. "Calleigh you do not have to be afraid of what I might do. You never have to be afraid of my reaction. I would never hurt you intentionally. You know that right?" she nodded against his hand. "Good." He moved his mouth over hers and coaxed her lips apart kissing her deeply. He was sealing his promise.

She was feeling a little better but that is still not good enough. She wants these demons to stop bothering her so she can live her life in peace with her children and Horatio. Unfortunately that is highly impossible now that they so suddenly resurfaced with an enormous power. For her it was almost more than she can bear and that freaks her out a little. She liked to have everything under control without losing it or letting go of that tight control which she usually maintained.

"Calleigh I am going to push you a little now. I need you to tell me the truth." She was still snuggled into his chest held securely in his arms. "What made you think that you could not talk about your past?" she clutched his shirt between her fingers. "I was ashamed of the things that had happened and I did not know who to talk to. We never had someone to talk to when we were little. We only had us. There was no one who could have helped us." "I understand but you could have come to me you know that right?" she looked up at him and nodded. "I know that Horatio but I did not know how to talk about it." He pulled her back against his chest and kissed her head lightly. Calleigh relaxed under his light massaging touch and eventually completely surrendered to his touch.

When she was completely relaxed in his arms he carefully picked her up and carried her bridal style to their bedroom and laid her gently down on their bed. He helped her get changed and changed himself and then joined her in their bed. He covered them with their blanket and pulled her against his chest wrapping his arms around her. Horatio gently massaged her back causing her to relax and go weak in his arms. He felt her drift off to sleep soon leaving him hoping that she would be able to sleep peacefully. After she had drifted of he watched her for a while asleep in his arms before he allowed himself to consider falling asleep.

During the night Calleigh again took refuge on their porch with her MP3-Player and the quilt having still not completely worked through their conversation from the previous night. She still had her difficulties with accepting everything that had happened without questioning it. She always wanted to understand everything and she needed to understand what had happened in her past.

This time Horatio noticed sooner that she was no longer in their bed and he had a pretty good idea where he could find her. He put on his robe and went to the porch where he found her sitting in the same chair as the night before covered with a quilt and listening to music. He slowly and carefully walked around her chair and sat down across from her watching her.

Calleigh noticed him sitting across from her but she was not ready to talk about the things that were going on in her mind. She looked at him and acknowledged him by blinking one time. He smiled warmly at her. He leaned back in his chair and covered himself with the other quilt.

When he noticed her pulling back into herself he was on alert because he did not want her to suffer any more then she already did. He leaned forward and put his hand on her knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. She could feel him squeeze her knee but she was not ready to face him yet so she kept her eyes closed and continued to listen to her music.

A few hours later he still had his hand on Calleigh´s knee; he could feel her jerking and stiffening before jolting and waking up with a scream. He was on alert. She looked around a little disoriented and then looked at Horatio who looked back at her with his calming eyes. She relaxed slightly knowing that he was right next to her. He looked at her intently but not accusing trying to read her mind.

Calleigh pulled the quilt tighter around her and moved more into the seat. It did not go unnoticed by Horatio. He got up from his seat and sat down on the armrest of her chair wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her tightly against his chest. She moved her face to hide it in his chest and he allowed her the moment. He knew that the old memories were still haunting her.

He held her allowing her to get her bearings when he suddenly heard her talk. "I still have a hard time accepting and understanding everything completely. I mean there were a lot of things had happened and I still was not able to work them out completely." He kissed her hair. "Sweetheart we will work through them together. But until we start that tomorrow morning it is time for you to get some well deserved rest." She looked up at him with her sad eyes and he bowed his head and gently kissed her. Calleigh readily opened her mouth under his allowing him entrance. He kissed her and dueled, his tongue with hers. A few minutes later he felt her go weak in his arms and was happy. She was relaxed just the state he wanted her in. He pulled back for air. He got up and carefully lifted her in to his arms. He carried her to their bedroom and deposited her on their bed under the covers. He joined her, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight against his chest. With his one hand he massaged her back coaxing her to relax and a few minutes later she was sound asleep again in his arms.


	24. Memory Lane Part 6

April 2000

The next morning Horatio was surprised that Calleigh had slept in their bed the whole night without going to the porch. He knew that she was slowly starting to heal. He knew that she was right that she had a lot to work through after she had pushed away everything for many years without thinking or talking about them. But he would help her as good as he could and would be there every step with her.

Calleigh was slowly getting better and worked past her grief with Horatio´s help. But there were still moments when she becomes emotional again over her grandfather´s death. She could always count on Horatio´s support. Especially when someone asked her how she was doing since her grandfather had passed away, she became emotional. She hated to be emotional and in need of comfort. She was used to be the strong one and to always be smiling. She did not want to seem weak or be weak. Horatio knew that and knew how to work around it. He had been with her when she had needed someone to support her and to help her. They had been through so much together.

Sometimes when he saw her he could still see the grief in her face. That hurt him. He did not fault her that she did not tell him that she was still grieving so much. Instead he was faulting himself that he did not notice how deep her grief was at the beginning. He promised himself that he would watch her better from now on.

When he saw her working in her lab he was not happy when he saw her. Her body language told him that she was hurting. He decided to talk to her. He entered her lab and walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind. She leaned into his chest knowing that it was Horatio. "Hey!" He could hear the strain in her voice and the unshed tears. He turned her around in his arms and looked straight into her green eyes. He could now also see the unshed tears in her eyes. It really hurt him to see her that way. He pulled her into his chest. She leaned her head against his chest relaxing into him feeling safe in his arms.

After a few minutes Horatio noticed that his shirt was getting damp. That meant that Calleigh was letting her grief out again. He knew that she had to let it out but it also hurt him to see her that way. He just held her and stroked her back trying to calm her down. When she had calmed down a little while later she pulled back a little and looked at him straight. "Are you alright, sweetheart?" She gave him a smile. "I am alright Horatio." "Alright." He pulled her into him again and kissed her temple.

When he pulled back he looked at her questioningly. "Will you be alright?" "Yeah." "I have to go back to work Calleigh." "I will be alright. Go." He kissed her one last time and then left her lab and went back to his office. She sat down on her chair at her desk and continued working on the case. Horatio on his side hoped that she will be alright until they would go home.

At home that evening Calleigh looked tired and grieving. Horatio knew that she was in need of his strong arms. The kids also wanted attention. Horatio helped Calleigh sit down on the couch and gave her an herbal tea to calm her nerves. Then he tended to Patrick and Simon. He played with them and every now and then threw a glance at Calleigh watching her carefully. When he had brought the kids to bed he started to tend to his wife.

He joined her on the couch placing her in between his legs and pulled her into his chest. "How are you feeling Calleigh?" He placed and arm on her shoulder and around her chest. His other arm was placed on her stomach. She gripped the arm around her chest with her hand and kissed his arm. She snuggled into his embrace even more, feeling safe. Horatio already had his answer how Calleigh was feeling. She is pretty well but she is still grieving. She entwined her other hand with his hand on her stomach. He let her take her time talking to him while he just held her giving her comfort.

He knew that she wanted to talk to him. He knows her and knows that she needs time until she will talk to him. A little while later Horatio spoke up. "How about we get to bed?" she just nodded as a response. He got up and helped her up and led her to their bedroom. He helped her sit on the bed and get changed and slip into bed. He then joined her in bed and wrapped his arms around her holding her tight. A few minutes later she fell asleep in his arms and Horatio hoped that she would get some well deserved rest.


	25. The option

June 2000

Calleigh had recovered well from her grandfather´s death. Horatio was really happy about it. But he also knew very good that she could have setbacks. He was also worried because they had not talked about the things from her past since their last conversation in April.

She had started to work in the lab again. He walked into her lab, being careful not to scare her. "Hey" she turned around to face him "Horatio! What are you doing here?" "I wanted to visit my beautiful wife." He bowed his head and kissed her parted lips. When he pulled back she looked a little surprised. "Nobody saw us honey" he said trying to ease her worries. "OK." He pulled her into a hug and she leaned against his chest. "I love you Calleigh." "I love you, too." He kissed her temple and held her close to his chest for a while.

He then pulled back and looked down at her. "How about lunch?" "Sure." Calleigh grabbed her purse and then allowed Horatio to lead her out of the lab and towards the elevator. In the garage he helped her into his car and then drove to their favorite restaurant.

While eating their lunch at the restaurant the two of them enjoyed their time together. The hardly had time alone, so enjoyed it even more. He watched her closely and could see how she was relaxing and was enjoying it to have no worried after everything that happened in recent times. After lunch they returned to the lab and tried to catch a few more criminals.

In the evening after picking up the kids the family drove home when Horatio suddenly came up with an idea. "Sweetheart. I think we should hide out in our house over the weekend with the kids and should try to get some rest and relax." She continued to look out the window seeming to think about his idea. He covered her hand and let her hold onto it. "Calleigh?" She turned her head to look at him. "I think that would be a good idea." He nodded and drove his family home where they would spend the rest of the weekend.

During the weekend Horatio planned to talk to Calleigh again about her past. Especially about the things that happened with her parents and brothers and what she felt. She needed to continue talking about it or she would never work through it. He also hoped that she would tell him more about the assault. That was the goal of the weekend. Giving Calleigh the time and rest she needed to talk about her past. Calleigh has to be comfortable enough to talk about it. That is the most important thing.

Saturday morning found the two of them in bed together. Horatio sat up against the headboard with her in his lap, while the kids were still sleeping. They had had a lovely early breakfast in bed. "Calleigh, how are you feeling?" "I am happy to spend time with you and with the kids." She leaned her head against his chest enjoying the time. "Sweetheart after our last conversation we never talked about the things that happened again. But you need to talk about it to work past it and work through those things." She sighed deeply and prepared herself for the things to come. "Horatio I cannot talk about these things again." He nodded knowing that he would receive that kind of answer so he came prepared. He reached to his nightstand and opened the drawer. He pulled out a pen and beautiful navy-blue and turquoise book with an embedded picture.

He moved Calleigh´s head off of his chest, still allowing her to sit back against his chest and made her look at him. "Calleigh I know that a lot of your family life as a child was painful and that you would not like to continue or conversation so I brought you an alternative." She looked at the pen and the back of the book. She could not see the front of the book. "What is that book for?" he looked at her and could read the insecurity written there. He gave her the book with the embedded picture of her father Kenwall, her mother Catherine, herself and her brothers Simon Kenwall and Patrick Gabriel. She looked up at Horatio with tears in her eyes. "That picture was taken the day I had my second holy communion in 1989. I was 14, Simon was 12 and Patrick was 9."

"I wanted to give you something with a piece of remembering and your family so I chose that picture." "Where did you find it?" he looked at her and knew that she really seemed to be clueless. "I found it in one of the boxes in the cellar. One of the boxes you never unpacked. I made a copy of it." She leaned against his chest clutching the book in her hands. She held like it was a treasure she needed to protect. "Calleigh I would like for you to write down your feelings about the things that happened in your childhood. I respect that you cannot talk about it but you need it of your chest honey." He talked to her in a calming voice hoping to calm her down a little.

She snuggled into him deeper preparing herself for what she wants to say. "Who will be reading it?" "Who do you want it to read Calleigh?" she looked up into his honest eyes and knew that he was giving her a choice. "I want you to read it Horatio. Only you." He nodded. "Alright. I will be the only one reading it." Calleigh snuggled into his chest again still clutching the book until Horatio noticed that she had fallen asleep again.

He quietly left the bedroom allowing her to sleep for a while as he prepared breakfast and spend time with his boys. He enjoyed the time with Patrick and Simon. When he looked up a sometime later he saw Calleigh standing in the doorway of the living-room. She was wearing a nice summer dress. Horatio noticed that she did not look tired anymore but he saw something else lingering right under the surface and knew that it had to do with her past and the book he gave her.

She joined them, and the whole family played together on the floor of the living-room. While playing Calleigh suddenly spoke. "Horatio do you mind reading something tonight?" he looked at her intently and knew that she was asking him to read something she wrote into the book letting him know how she feels about the things that happened and how she is coping. "Sure Calleigh." She smiled at him lightly and was grateful for the possibility he gave her to express her feelings.


	26. Reading

June 2000

In the evening Horatio sat up against the headboard of their bed with Calleigh sitting between his legs in the comfort of his arms. Horatio was holding the book with one hand and was reading it.

_Horatio,_

_I know that I hardly told you about my past and that I was scared of talking about it. You made me talk. I have to admit that I was mad at you in the beginning. Now I am scared of my and our future, because of the things you have learned about me and my family. I could also understand if you would leave our house, me and our children because I hurt you with what I said and because I did not tell you everything in the beginning._

_I want you to always remember that I love you with all my heart._

_Calleigh_

Horatio put the book down and moved Calleigh so she was looking at him. She had seen him put the book down and knew that he had read it. When he turned her around she immediately closed her eyes as tight as she could and hugged her body with her arms. Horatio knew right away that she was trying to protect herself from the hurt she thinks is going to come.

He puts his hand on her lower arm trying to infuse her with warmth. "Calleigh." He waited for her to open her eyes and to look at him. She did not look at him. "Sweetheart open your eyes." He tried to use the calmest voice he had because he did not want to scare her. "I am not going to hurt you Calleigh. Please open your eyes." His hand was still resting on her lower arm. He was waiting for her to make the next step. After a little while she moved her hand and grabbed a hold of his hand. She gripped it needing to make sure he was there.

His thumb was stroking her hand and a little while later Calleigh cautiously opened her eyes to look at him shyly. He looked at her calmly and lovingly. "Calleigh" he said as softly as he could. A moment later Calleigh had tears running down her cheeks. He quickly pulled her into him. "Why are you crying honey?" he did not know why she was crying. She pulled back a little after a few minutes. "You are hurt by what I wrote."

He was shocked. "Calleigh I am surprised that you think that I would leave you. I am not hurt I am surprised. It hurts me that you still are afraid that I might leave but I am not hurt. Alright?" "Yes. Our conversations about my past just brought up so many things and fears. It still is painful." He nodded. "I understand Calleigh. I want you to know that I intend on staying here as long as you will have me. I love you and I love Simon and Patrick." She laid her head against his chest relieved that he was there. Horatio tightened his hold on her knowing that she was insecure and determined to make sure that she never doubted him again.

During the night Horatio was not able to move a lot, because Calleigh was still clutching his shirt with her hands, needing to make sure that he was there and would not leave. When the alarm went off in the morning and Horatio sat up to turn it off it sent Calleigh into a panic. She hugged her body with her arms and rolled into a ball. Horatio clenched his jaw because it hurt him deeply to see her in fear. "Calleigh;" he put his arm on her lower arm stroking it up and down. It caused her shoulders to shake and Horatio knew immediately that she was crying and a second later he could hear it as she sobbed. He sat up against the headboard and placed her in his arms.

He rocked her and ran his hands up and down her back calming her down. After she had calmed down he pulled back a little to look into her eyes. He could not look into her eyes, because she had closed them. He held her tight with his arms giving her no way of escape. "Sweetheart can you look at me?" she shook her head no. "Calleigh I love you, Simon and Patrick. You had a lot thrown in your way, in your childhood and youth. I am proud of you for surviving those things. Nothing that happened was your fault and nothing could have been prevented by you." He kissed her temple and her nose but still got absolutely no reaction from her.

"Calleigh please look at me. I promise you that I will not hurt you." She shook her head no. He sighed deeply and decided to let it go for now. Instead he just held her and gave her the time she needed to find the courage to look at him.

Sometime later, she opened her eyes, and shyly looked up at him. She hoped that he would not notice, but unfortunately he did. He made her look at him. "I love you Calleigh." Horatio was still stroking her back trying to soothe her. "Show me Horatio." In her eyes he could read the fear and insecurity and knew that it would get at least a little better if he would show her that he really loved her. He leaned forward and lightly kissed her at first and moments later he was showing her exactly how deeply he loved her and that she had nothing to worry about.

After their encounter she clung to his shirt and every time he moved a little she clutched him back to her. "Don´t;" he leaned forward and gently kissed her temple. "I am right here Calleigh." She snuggled deeper into his embrace. She tried to burrow into Horatio as much as possible. He held her tightly and had his legs, arms and the blanket wrapped tightly around her.


	27. Watching from above

July 2000

The past few weeks had been spent with Horatio trying to assure Calleigh that he was not hurt by what she had wrote and that he would definitely not leave her and their two sons. Calleigh´s fears were deep rooted and resulted from her troubled childhood and youth.

Horatio knew that she would completely understand it sometime but she needed time to work through the past and what had happened. He knew that there would be setbacks and that it would not go as smooth as he would like. He was thankful that she was talking to him about the things.

"I never thought that my life would be the way it is now and that the things would happen that happened." He turned around to face her "sweetheart you never know what will happen and how our life turns out. The difference is that now we are doing it together, you and me." She nodded and tried to gather what she wanted to say.

"When I was a teenager I always thought that I would that my life would be like the life my parents had. I never wanted their life but I thought that I was destined to live the same life." He felt grateful that he had her and that he saved her from that life.

"Calleigh how do you feel about the life we are living together?" she looked at him surprised but still answered him. "I am grateful for the life we are living together. I never in my life dreamed of a life like this. I just wish that my parents would have been able to see this and my brothers, too." With that she got from the couch and went to the deck.

After a minute he followed her. "Your parents and your brothers are seeing the life we are living." She turned around and looked at him shocked. He walked up to her and placed a finger over her mouth to stop her from answering. "Sweetheart they are watching us and Patrick and Simon from heaven."

He wrapped an arm around her when she would have fled. He held her in his arms and within seconds he felt his shirt getting damp. She had hid her face in his chest. Horatio just held her knowing that emotions were to be expected. He did not say anything knowing that she would not appreciate it.

She needed time and he would give it to her. Instead he sat them down on the lounge chair and held her between his legs. When she had calmed down she slowly looked up at him. "How are you feeling?" "I have been better." She looked up at the sky and then back at Horatio. "Do you mind if I retire for today?" he looked at her and knew that she was tired. "Go ahead. I will be there in a minute. I just have to lock up the house." Calleigh nodded and went inside.

Horatio remained on the deck thinking about the amount of hurt his wife had to endure in her early life and that he never wanted her to endure that again. She would never have to endure that again if he could prevent it.


	28. Wishing

July 2000

When Calleigh woke up in the morning she remembered what Horatio had said the evening before on the deck. He said that her parents and brothers are watching them. She does not know if that is possible but she wants to believe him.

At the breakfast table she looks at him and he cannot read her face but knows that she has something on her mind. "Calleigh are you alright?" "For now; are you ready to go to work?" he nodded knowing that she was stalling, but he let it go.

At work he hardly hat time to check on her. He was worried but he was sure that she would do her job with the same professionalism with which she always did her job.

In the evening after the boys were in bed he found her on the deck. It was still warm outside and she was enjoying a glass of ice tea. "Sweetheart?" she turned around and he could see the unshed tears in her eyes. He cautiously walked up to her. "Did you mean what you said?" she was looking deep into his eyes trying to determine if it was true. Horatio was aware what she was doing so he kept his expression neutral.

"I do not know what exactly you are talking about but I usually mean what I say, honey." "Are you sure that my family is watching me from heaven?" he knew that she was looking for some kind of connection with her family and he would give it to her. "I am sure honey. I know that my mother is watching us from up there."

She nodded and turned around and looked up at the sky and the clouds. He kept quiet and was standing right behind her, knowing that she needed time to think. A few minutes later he noticed her hand go up to her face and knew that she was wiping away the tears. He pulled her against his chest so her back was to him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight while she was still looking at the sky. "They will always love you Calleigh." She held his hand and after a minute she turned around and cried into his chest.

When she felt her knees buckle she suddenly felt Horatio´s hand under her knees while he carried her to their bedroom. He sat down against the headboard with her and allowed her to cry. He kissed her hair und stroked her back. "I wish I could talk to them." He placed a hand under her chin and made her look at him.

"Calleigh you can talk to them. You can talk to them from the deck or when you go visiting their grave. You do not have to be ashamed to do it. I often talk to my mom. It is alright and if it is something you feel the need to do then do it." She nodded and hid her face against his chest again. A few minutes later he noticed that she had fallen asleep.

He knew that there was still a lot ahead of them but he wanted to help her and he would help her. He would not let her walk the road alone.


	29. Confessing

July 2000

She was scared and was insecure. She was the woman he loved deeply. She was his wife Calleigh Duquesne Caine. A woman he had always admired for her strength. No she was insecure and unsure and afraid. He would do everything in his power to take those feelings away from her. He wanted to protect her, even if it was just from her memories.

She had filled the complete book he had given her, by now. The emotions were there and they needed and outlet just like the memories and feelings needed it, too. The writing seemed to help her. It enabled her to express her feelings. He had not learned a lot of new things, as she was writing the things down which she had told him, but with more details.

He was not very much interested in learning more. No. He just wanted her to express her feeling and to stop her from keeping them hidden, for too long, because it would hurt her one day. He wanted her to work through her past. And by allowing him to read the book she was letting him have an insight into her past and into her family history. He was very grateful for that.

It hurt him very much that he needed to talk to her in detail about their current case, because it involved a family. It involved a father and his teenage daughter. He was the owner of a little store in one of the poorer neighborhoods from Miami and he seemed to be involved into cartel activities. He hated these cases with a passion, but he could only imagine how Calleigh was going to hate this case.

He found her where he thought he would. She was in the gun vault. She was cleaning her guns. "Sweetheart!" she turned around and smiled at him gently which he returned with a gentle smile. She walked to him and closed the gun vault and then leaned up to give him a kiss. He followed her to her desk and noted that she seemed to have no idea about the case yet.

"Sweetheart I need to talk to about our current case." She looked up at him and sensed that there was more to it. "There is a case down in cartel regions that was called in and needs our attention. It is about the owner of a little coffee shop. He and his daughter are originally from Mexico. His wife was stabbed. She leaved behind her little girl and her husband."

The moment he told her they had a little girl he could read the pain and shock on her face. He hated to be the bearer of bad news. But he also saw it as an advantage because he could see the tell tale signs of distress she was able to hide from everybody else. She was playing with her hands. "Calleigh you do not have to work this case if you are afraid of getting too involved emotionally." She looked up at Horatio and knew that he was just worried and concerned but she did not want to stay back when the rest of the team was working this case. She did not want the team to know that the case was affecting her.

Calleigh nodded at him. "I am going to be alright Horatio." He could hear a little insecurity in her voice but let it go for now knowing that it was useless to talk to her about it. She was determined. She wanted to work this case and he was not going to keep her from it.

The case was more complicated then they had thought at first but in the end they were happy that the little girl still had her father.

After finishing the case Calleigh was sitting in the sitting area of the lab with the ADA Janet Madrano. They were friends since university. Janet had been 2 years ahead of Calleigh but they liked each other from the beginning and become friends. Calleigh and Janet both believed in what they were doing. "So Calleigh; are you ever going to introduce me to your family. I mean now that you know who my family is…." Calleigh faltered when Janet talked about her family. She had never told her what she had told Horatio, even though Janet had known her longer.

She was unsure what Janet was going to say. "Ahm. Well I still have 4 great-grandmother´s, 2 great-grandfather´s and 2 grandparents. They are living with Horatio, me and the kids. I think it would be alright if you met them, but I am going to have to warn you. They are very old and some of them are pretty ill."

Janet had just looked at her after Calleigh had told her who was still there from her family and was surprised that she did not mention her parents. When Calleigh looked at her again after finishing she saw something on Janet´s face that was a mixture of concern and shock. But there was also something else. Something she could not pinpoint at the moment. Calleigh closed her eyes against the sensation to flee and find the next gun she could fire at targets.

Damn her. Why did she have to tell her about her family? What was she going to do or say now?

While Calleigh was still sitting there with closed eyes, unsure how to get out of this whole situation Horatio had joined them, wanting to pick up Calleigh so they could get the boys and could go home. When he entered the area where they normally talked with family members who had lost someone, he knew that something was off. Calleigh was sitting next to Janet.

She had her eyes closed and was kneading her right hand. Her body seemed to be tense. Janet was looking at her with an unsure, worried and concerned expression. He knew that something was totally off. He walked till he was in front of the women and then knelt down. He placed a hand on top of Calleigh´s. "Sweetheart look at me." She knew that it was Horatio´s voice and that it was useless to keep her eyes closed.

When she looked at him she had a look full of pain and sorrow. Her eyes were empty and her cheeks were pale. Dammit what happened here? Was the thought that immediately popped up in Horatio´s mind.

He turned to Janet while still holding Calleigh´s hand. "Janet?" he asked needing answers. His voice was full of concern. Janet was stopped from answering by Calleigh. "Horatio…." She said quietly and he turned around to look at her again. He looked at her with loving eyes that made her tear up. She turned to Janet. "Janet do you mind joining us for dinner tonight?" Janet looked at Calleigh for a minute and then nodded.

Horatio was still clueless about what had happened but had accepted Calleigh´s wish to have Janet over for dinner. Janet was following them in her care as they were now on their way home after picking up the boys. Horatio was holding Calleigh´s hand. "What happened in the area, Calleigh?" she unconsciously tightened her hold on his fingers. "I met Janet at the university and never told her one thing about my family. She did not even know that my mother was dead when I met her." Calleigh looked at him with a pained face.

"She asked me when she would get to meet my family now that I had met her family. So I told her that most of my great-grandparents were still with us and that I still have a grandfather and a grandmother and that they were living with us." He nodded knowing that it must have been hard to admit that to Janet, even though she was her best friend.

When they arrived at the Caine house Horatio and Calleigh took the boys inside and were closely followed by Janet. During dinner the family and Janet tried to put on normal faces for the boys. After the boys had been brought to bed the couple and Janet settled in the living-room. Calleigh knew that her best friend deserved the truth, or at least as much as she could tell her. She hated that she had to do it, but it was too late to hide now. With Horatio´s hand firmly between her two hands and his other arm wrapped around her shoulder Calleigh brought up the courage. "Janet a lot of things happened in my past and are still happening. Things you do not know about. Things no one knows about. I never had the happy family every child dreams of. I dreamed of it and would have done everything to have but I certainly did not have it myself."

Calleigh snuggled into Horatio. "What happened Calleigh?" she knew that she had to answer Janet´s question. "I never told you how I grew up. I realize that now." Janet just nodded. "I had a normal childhood for the first few years." Horatio pulled her more towards him, knowing this would be difficult. "Well let´s just say I did not have the ideal childhood after that. When I met Horatio I only had my great-grandparents, my grandparents and my father. Well he is not with us anymore as you might know." She turned deeper into Horatio and tried to shield herself from the bad memories.

Janet had been watching her the whole time trying to figure out what happened. She had gathered that Calleigh does not have her parents anymore but that seemed to be all Calleigh had said. Horatio could read the concern on Janet´s face. He knew that she was concerned but hell what could you expect. Calleigh suddenly pulled out of his embrace and left them sitting in the living-room and fled. When Horatio heard the family-room door and sighed in relieve. He now turned his attention to Janet.

"What happened to the Calleigh I know?" he sighed. "Janet the Calleigh you thought you know has always been her mask. There has never been that Calleigh. She has had it bad and she always put on a mask to protect herself. Trust me it is not easy for her." Janet nodded and thought about everything she had seen and heard.

"Horatio what does all this mean?" he looked at Janet knowing she deserved answers. "Janet she told you because you asked about meeting her family. She probably would not have told you if you would not have asked. Our live has had it´s obstacles. We manage but it sometimes is difficult and Calleigh needs our love more than anything else." Janet looks at his serious face and nods.

Before she can answer Calleigh re-joins them and sits down next to Horatio again. "My father died one year ago after having been in a coma for 2 years and 8 months after a car accident." She leans into Horatio accepting his arm around her shoulders. "Calleigh I am sorry about your father." When Janet leans forward a little to embrace Calleigh she recoils even deeper into Horatio´s embrace and hides her face in his chest. Janet nods and tells the couple that she will leave now to give them some time alone.

After Janet has left Horatio is still holding Calleigh in a hug and she still has her face hidden in his chest. "Calleigh sweetheart please do not shut me out." Few minutes later she slowly moves back and looks into his concerned eyes. "You did good Calleigh. I am proud of you." She nods and looks down. "It still is hard to talk about it. I just hope I do not have to talk about it again." Horatio nods leans forward and kissed her temple. She snuggles into his chest again for comfort. Horatio knows that every person grieves in a different way.


End file.
